Die Tryin’

By Bill Maher

I know we Americans are exceptional and we have the greatest healthcare system in the world, but the National Institutes of Health had the National Research Council and the Institute of Medicine (scientists, so you already know it’s bullshit) did a study on just how healthy we Americans are compared to other comparable “high-income democracies” around the globe.  And it turns out we are exceptional – exceptionally close to death.

The other countries were Switzerland, Australia, Japan, Sweden, Italy, Canada, Norway, Netherlands, Spain, United Kingdom, France, Austria, Germany, Denmark, Portugal and Finland. And guess what place we come in when it comes to life expectancy? Fittingly, dead last.

Basically, it sucks to be us. When compared to the average of all those other peer nations, the study showed that “the U.S. is at or near the bottom in nine key areas of health: infant mortality and low birth weight; injuries and homicides; teenage pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections; prevalence of HIV and AIDS; drug-related deaths; obesity and diabetes; heart disease; chronic lung disease; and disability.” Researchers concur: we are wheezing, infected, drugged-out, sexually-irresponsible, heavily-armed, fat fucks on Rascal scooters. 

The reasons given for us having one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel is that so many of us are uninsured, we eat so many calories, we are more likely to be on drugs, we are less likely to use our seatbelts, we are more likely to be involved in a drunk driving accident and we are way more likely to use firearms. Basically, our love of guns and cars and booze and drugs and shitty fried food brings our numbers way down and it’s costing us a fortune.

Won’t that ultimately be our financial demise – defending our “right” to be boorish, unhealthy, erratic, irresponsible pigs?