Every week, Bill lays down his own laws. Here is the latest set of New Rules from the last episode:
New Rule: The Utah scout leader who pushed over that ancient boulder in a national park must answer this question: if it's the public's job to topple things that might fall and crush a kid, why hasn't anyone pushed you over?
New Rule: I don't know if Ceelo Green put Ecstasy in his date's drink or not, but I do know this: don't go to court in a bathrobe.
New Rule: Now that a record 58 percent of Americans support the legalization of marijuana, the federal government has to hurry up and do something about it. Come on, guys. I have to decide what I'm handing out for Halloween? [slide of man offering joints]
New Rule: If you work at a market and you see someone shoplifting condoms, let them. If they can't afford $5.50 for a three-pack of Trojan Ultra-Ribbed -- $4.99 with your CVS card -- then I'm pretty sure they can't afford a baby. And you know what happens then. [slide of book jacket photo of Bristol Palin and her son]
New Rule: Tom Hanks has to stop making movies where he gets stuck somewhere. He got stuck in space in 'Apollo 13.' He got stuck on an island in 'Cast Away.' He got stuck at the airport in 'The Terminal.' Now, he's stuck on a boat in 'Captain Phillips.' I don't know if he wants an Oscar or ransom.
Oh, and look for him this Christmas in 'Chimney!' [fake movie poster of Hanks as Santa stuck in chimney]
New Rule: Just once, I would like to see a celebrity couple get engaged like the rest of us: in a bathroom, wearing pajama bottoms and holding a home pregnancy test.
And, finally, New Rule: Until Ronald McDonald starts paying his employees a living wage, he has to wipe that f*cking smile off his face.
A new study says the median income for fast-food jobs is $8.69 an hour. And, let's face it, that is barely enough to gas up the car you're living in.
Remember this Subway sandwich maker who, a couple of months ago, tweeted a picture of himself wiping his d*ck on the bun? You can hate him, but you can't really blame him.
Now, when it comes to raising the minimum wage, conservatives always say it's a non-starter because it cuts into profits. Well, yeah, of course, paying workers is one of those unfortunate expenses of running a business. You know, like taxes, or making a product.
If you want to get rich with a tax-free enterprise that sells nothing, start a church.
You might think that paying people enough to live is so self-evident that even crazy people could understand it. But, you would be wrong. [slide of Michele Bachmann]
Michele Bachmann is not only against raising the minimum wage. She's against having one at all. She once said, "If we took away the minimum wage, we could virtually wipe out unemployment because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level." Put that in your brain and smoke it.
You could hire everyone if you didn't have to pay them.
And, naturally, Ted Cruz agrees. Ted Cruz thinks it's a good thing that when his Cuban father came to America, he was paid fifty cents an hour to work as a dishwasher, before becoming Charo.
When did the American dream become this pathway to indentured servitude, this economic death spiral where workers get paid next to nothing so they can only afford to buy next to nothing, so businesses are forced to sell cheaper and cheaper sh*t? Walmart employees can only afford to shop at Walmart. McDonald's workers can only afford to eat at McDonald's. And Hooters waitresses have to wear shirts they grew out of years ago.
And, look, even if you're not moved by the "don't be such a heartless prick" argument, consider the fact that most fast-food workers, whose average age, by the way, now is 29 -- not talking about kids -- are on some form of public assistance. Which is not surprising. When even working people can't make enough to live, they take money from the government in the form of food stamps, school lunches, housing assistance, daycare.
This is the welfare that conservatives hate. But, they never stop to think if we raised the minimum wage and forced McDonald's and Walmart to pay their employees enough to eat, we, the taxpayers, wouldn't have to pick up the slack.
This is the question the right has to answer: do you want smaller government with less handouts, or do you want a low minimum wage? Because you cannot have both. If Colonel Sanders isn't going to pay the lady behind the counter enough to live on, then Uncle Sam has to. And I, for one, am getting a little tired of helping highly-profitable companies pay their workers.
Especially when I don't even eat at KFC. I mean, I get high. Not that high.
And, I haven't been to a McDonald's drive-through since the eighties. Because, if I want to talk into the face of some red-nosed clown, I'll debate John Boehner.