New Rule: Future historians must consider the possibility that Chief Justice Roberts moved to the left on healthcare just so he doesn't have to sit with these weirdos at lunch every day. [slide of Justices Scalia, Thomas and Kennedy]
New Rule: [slide of four photos of George Zimmerman] George Zimmerman has to pick a look at go with it. Yes, when we first met George, he looked like every thug boyfriend who ever left a baby in a hot car.
Then, suddenly, he looked like the guy who sold you a phone at the Verizon store. [another slide]
[another slide] Then, he slimmed down and went a little hipster.
[another slide] And now he looks...now he looks like a 15-year-old Latino boy who's dating Madonna.
I'm not saying this is part of a strategy to make him seem less threatening, but when he walked into court today, I could have sworn he was that kid from "Modern Family." [slide of Rico Rodriguez]
New Rule: [slide] Democrats will agree not to circulate this photo of Mitt Romney and Pennsylvania's top Republicans looking like an ad for Land's End chinos if Republicans will resist their temptation to say that this-[slide of Obama with First Dog]-is a photo of Obama f**king his dog.
New Rule: [slide of Karl Lagerfeld] Karl Lagerfeld has to either torture and kill someone, or stop wearing this outfit. This doesn't say, "fashion designer." It says, "Where's our money, you little rat-f**k?!"
New Rule: Wing-nuts have to stop saying they're going to boycott Oreos because they made a gay cookie. [slide of Oreo with rainbow filling layers] In fact, this giant blob of vegetable oil and corn syrup is the perfect symbol for gay pride, because when I look at it, I think I'd rather put a d**k in my mouth.
And don't try to tell me that the "rainbow Oreo" is the first gay cookie. Have you ever met the Keebler Elves? You can have a male roommate in college, but if you live your whole life with five other dudes in a tree even your parents know it's not really about the rent.
And finally, New Rule: Mitt Romney must not pick a vice president before August 17th when I get back from vacation.
And, furthermore, he must take my advice on who to pick. Why me? Because I secretly want Mitt Romney to win. There, that's the cliffhanger. Have a great summer.
No, I secretly want him to win because, look, I'm a comedian. Mitt Romney is an ultra-Caucasian, Mormon zillionaire who uses his dog as a hood ornament. For me not to secretly want him as president is like Halliburton not secretly wanting a war.
Now, right now the smart money for VP is on Florida Senator Marco Rubio, who you may recognize as the brother of the bride in every wedding you've ever been to. [slides accompany prospective candidates] But, Senator Rubio has intelligence, experience and honesty issues. Or, what pundits call "the Full Palin."
Now, many Republicans, of course, want Naugahyde beanbag chair and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie as Mitt's second-in-command. And it's hard to look at him and not think "number two."
And then there's Congressman Paul Ryan. On the plus side, he had piercing blue bedroom eyes. On the minus side, he's a heartless, smirking b**tard, and the only people who can stand him are heartless, smirking b**tards. And, Mitt, you already have that vote locked up.
Of course, there's always Tim Pawlenty. He almost makes Mitt Romney look interesting. In the way that a blank sheet of paper makes a sheet of paper with a smudge on it look interesting.
So, Mitt, if you are serious about winning, you have to think outside the box. What about...hear me out...Romney/Zimmerman 2012? It's unorthodox, but who better than George Zimmerman to personify your campaign theme of, "I think the black guy's up to no good."
Or, another way to go, what about V.P. "Dinesh" from Call Center Tech Support? You're all about cutting government. Think of the money we save by outsourcing the Veep to Bangalore.
I mean, what is the vice president's main job? Support!
"If you think your head of state has died, push one now." "Before I go to the funeral, have you tried turning him off and on?"
But, you know who might be the perfect Mitt Romney vice president? Mitt Romney. That's right, Mitt, yourself! Now, of course, this is a controversial pick, because, frankly, there are not many issues where you have seen eye-to-eye with you.
I mean, you like you as a person, but on policy, it's going to be kind of hard to bridge the gap between you and your stance on healthcare, immigration, gun control, abortion, climate change, campaign finance, Afghanistan, gay rights, space exploration, the Treaty of the Sea, Megan's Law, the infield fly rule. Okay, forget that one.
But, I've got one more idea. Yes, it's desperate. But, Mitt, come on, you're not the most galvanizing candidate in history. And by that, I mean you're the least galvanizing candidate in history.
Scientists are testing your stump speech as a cure for sleep apnea.
Remember that time you tried to kiss a baby and it crawled back in the womb?
Me, Mitt! Pick me!! Pick me for you VP! I know it's out of the box, but, look, we are complete opposites. Americans love that! It'll be like a buddy movie where you're the uptight square and I'm Chris Tucker.
I could bring total balance to the ticket. You're against medical marijuana; I'm high right now.
You wear "magic underwear"; I go commando!
I hate kids; you have 47 over for Thanksgiving.
You're a Mormon; I think Mormonism is a hysterical con invented by a swindler to get p**sy!
Me, Mitt! Me!! Let me help you move America forward into the past!