Mitt Romney’s Best Choice for Vice President: No One

By Bill Maher

Mitt Romney has two arguments for why he should be president (three, if you count, "Give it to me or I'll kill you"). The first is that he loves, loves, loves, loves, LOVES America. Which makes you think the job he should actually get is poet laureate. The second is: I am the king of all business management. Look upon my spreadsheets, ye mighty and tremble.

Mitt Romney has the super power of being able to look at a PowerPoint presentation of a flow chart of a company that makes men's room hand-dryers, and cut its staff by 15%. Now, I don't give a shit about this skill, and I don't see how it entitles you to Andrew Jackson's old job, but there it is. Clark Kent is Superman. Bruce Wayne is Batman. Mitt Romney is Businessman.

Look, up in the sky, it's a guy in business class.

Now that we've entered the boring stage in an election year where the party has a candidate, and the candidate has to choose a running mate, how about this: If Mitt wants to prove he can cut the fat out of government, he should choose no one.

The Vice President makes $230,000 a year. Just take that money and put it in the kitty. Give it to the GSA for muffin baskets, or the Secret Service for whores. Or the Air Force, to set on fire and laugh. 

The Vice President also gets his own 9,150 square foot house, Number One Observatory Circle. We could turn that into a Subway sandwich shop. It has a high tech 9/11 Doomsday bunker. We could turn that into another Subway sandwich shop.

The Vice President has his own staff, and his own motorcade -- which went through a weird period a couple of years ago, when it was always running people over. He even has his own plane. Sell it all.

If a foreign leader dies, and we care, the President can go. If we don't care, we can send a card. And a gift certificate for a Subway sandwich.

I like Joe Biden.  But even Osama Bin Laden didn't think he was "world leader" material. According to his assassination journals -- Bin Laden's, I mean, not Biden's -- Biden wasn’t even worth killing. Bin Laden wrote to an al-Qaeda aide in 2010 that he wanted assassination teams assembled to target President Obama and Gen. Petraeus, because:

"...Obama is the head of infidelity and killing him automatically will make Biden take over the presidency for the remainder of the term, as it is the norm over there," bin Laden wrote. "Biden is totally unprepared for that post, which will lead the U.S. into a crisis."

I’m thinking our enemies will be even less intimidated by whatever empty suit Romney picks. So don't do it at all. Be a game changer. No Vice President. 

It'll be cheaper than feeding Chris Christie.