Kiddie Failure

By Miles Leicher

Let’s be honest  - it’s been a rough week. First off, Labor Day comes along just in time to remind us that we’re a bunch of unemployed bums. Then, at the Republican debate, we’re told that the only way to get a job is to elect one of those eight goobers. And now it’s Friday and ‘Real Time’ is still nowhere to be found! What’s a girl to do?

For starters, relax, because we’re back with new episodes next week at 10pm (so please, stop cutting). Until then, however, you’re stuck with more of the unintentional comedy that is the race for the Republican nomination. You’ll laugh…you’ll cry…you’ll probably sustain major brain damage from bashing your head against a wall. Can’t the NFL do something about that?

I wish I’d remembered my helmet on Wednesday night, when the crazy was on display for all to see at the Reagan Presidential Library. It was a confusing venue for the candidates as it represented both something they love (Reagan) and something they despise (libraries).

What did happen was that they held a Republican debate and Newt Gingrich showed up willing to debate anyone but a Republican. There were moments when I wondered if I’d accidentally switched over to the Speed Channel and spent two hours watching ‘Dumbest Stuff on Wheels.’ The only difference? Wheels.

As I sat there watching six guys, a girl and a pizza exec, I felt bad. I felt bad for them, for myself and for America…but most of all I felt bad for Nancy Reagan. She had to watch as each of those clowns claimed to be the second coming of her husband. And if there’s one thing I’ve heard about marriage, it’s that nobody wants to stick around for a second coming. I heard it took a dozen men to keep her from charging the stage and whacking each of those jackasses with her purse.

As Bill would say, I kid Nancy Reagan. But the thing that gets my purse swingin’ is whenever one of the candidates brings up how many kids they have – and how that somehow makes them “responsible.” Rick Santorum pointed out that he and Jon Huntsman have seven kids apiece, as if he expected Brian Williams to walk up and give them each a gold star. How are we disgusted by the Octomom, yet cheering for the “Septodads?”

Remember Sarah Palin? She was so responsible, she had a litter of kids and still managed to quit halfway through her term as governor. Palin wasn’t at the debate, but I suspect you could’ve caught her six channels over on ‘I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.’ By the way, nothing says, “procreation = responsibility” like the existence of a show called “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant.”

As far as kids go, though, Michele Bachmann has the padded résumé: five biological and 23 foster children. So when it comes to knowing what they need, she’s sort of an expert. For example, during the debate she said, One thing I know is that kids need jobs. And ObamaCare is clearly leading to job-killing regulations, not job-creating regulations.” See? Take it from Supermom – kids don’t need health care, they need jobs! And under Bachmann, we could become the sort of country where those ideas become realities. Wouldn’t that be great? We could even change our name to something sleeker and less cumbersome than “The United States of America.” Something like…“China.”

I’m not trying to hate on kids here. In fact, I think they’re great – especially when their hands get big enough to handle a cocktail shaker – but I think we’re past the days of needing to focus on the size of a person’s brood. They’re not farmers. If Rick Perry got sucked into a tractor (God forbid?), his kids aren’t going to take over the family presidency. That’s Jeb Bush’s job. But really, it would be nice just to hear some good ideas. To see Rick Santorum stand up and say, “Jon Huntsman and I each have seven good ideas!” Followed by, “And they all involve getting the hell out of this race.”  

Do you think it’s important that candidates prove their ability to reproduce? Do kids need jobs? Did you know that you are, indeed, pregnant? Drop a note below!