Pimp My Prez

By Miles Leicher

If there’s one thing I wish people would quit saying, it’s that “America needs a businessman in the White House.” Well, that and “I’d like to add you to my professional network on LinkedIn.” Both scream out, “I’m trying to participate, but I don’t know what the hell is going on!”

Mitt Romney and Herman Cain would have you believe that we need to elect somebody like them because they’re “job creators” who know how to “get Americans back to work” and make “a pizza you can’t refuse.” But as Bill Maher put to the panel during our last episode, “Where are the jobs from the ‘job creators’? Private enterprise, they have no intention of creating jobs. They don’t want to create jobs. They want to create profit, which you get from eliminating jobs.” So true. 

Besides, we’ve had businessmen in the Oval Office before. That’s what everybody told George W. Bush he was – and look how that worked out. We’ve also had plenty of lawyers, soldiers and career politicians. Maybe it’s time to try something a little different. Maybe there’s someone out there with professional qualities that appeal to all voters. Qualities like a no-nonsense attitude, a snazzy wardrobe, a penchant for American-made cars (preferably Cadillac) and, most important, plenty of experience with jobs. All sorts of jobs. What I’m saying is, America needs a pimp.

All we’ve been hearing lately is how “America has lost her way” and “we need to regain respect for this country.” So who better than President Huggy Bear to put his bejeweled hand on our shoulder and tell us, “Be cool, ma babies…Daddy’s got this.”

Wouldn’t that be nice? You bet yo ass it would.

Our country is broke because we have been either afraid or unwilling to demand that the individuals and corporations who benefit most from her services pay their fair share. We bend over backwards to fulfill our part of the bargain, but the johns (Boehner and McCain, usually) don’t uphold theirs. If only there were someone in charge with a reputation for, say, exacting compensation from the unwilling. Someone who’d walk into GE Headquarters on tax day with a sack in one hand and a car antenna in the other and inform them that “bitches better have our money.” That sounds like a scandal for Huggy Bear to handle.

Sure, there would be some changes to get used to – mostly in the White House garden – but don’t panic; it’ll be organic. The limos would stay, for obvious reasons, but as a concession to the Tea Party, Air Force One would be traded in for a G-6, whatever that is.  

Tim Geithner would be out at the Treasury and his replacement, Secretary Don “Magic” Juan, would immediately change our motto from “In God We Trust” to “Green is for the Money, Gold is for the Honeys.” Again, small price to pay for stability in the markets.

Finally, our foreign policy would be dictated by the Lil’ Kim Doctrine: “First you get the money, then you get the motherf**kin' power. And after you get the f**kin' power, you get the f**kin' ni**az to respect you.” Hawkish for sure, but also highly effective.

Granted, this approach to fixing our nations problems may ruffle a few feathers and require a little, shall we say, moral flexibility. But desperate times make for desperate people…and desperate people call on pimps. Or at least they used to – Craigslist changed everything. But America needs tough love right now. Someone to make sure we’re lookin’ fine for the world to see. Because if the pimp hand is strong, so will be the state of our union. And to those who would argue that America isn’t ready to pimp the presidency, I have three words for you: President Bill Clinton.