Writer's Meeting Minutes - March 17, 2011

by Miles Leicher

1PM: Meeting called to order.

1. Agenda Item: America = Thelma and Louise

This month's bad news about how we're killing the planet is always worse than last month's bad news about how we're killing the planet.
Bill: "It's Thelma and Louise... 'We're just gunning it for the canyon and we're all f**ked no matter what we do,' is an argument I respect more than all the climate change denial bulls**t."
Someone: "Why did they drive off the cliff?"
Adam: "Because Callie Khouri literally wrote herself into a corner."
Bill: "No, I don't see it that way."
Brian: "Yeah. Jackie Chan does that s**t in every movie and always manages to get out of it."

2. Agenda Item: Japan's Nuclear Crisis

Things are bad.
Chris: "It's not a good sign when the spent fuel rods are on the roof of the reactor."
Bill: "Is that how you break the news slowly about a nuclear disaster?  'The spent rods are on the roof?'"

The NY Daily News ran a headline that simply said, "PANIC!"
Adam: "Ohhh...f**k them!"
Chris: "It couldn't be any farther away from us before it starts getting closer again."

3. Agenda Item: UCLA Student's "Asians in the Library" rant

A UCLA student posted a YouTube video of herself making several derogatory and stereotypical comments about Asians at her school.
Chris: "At least she was saying bad things about Asians – if she said bad things about the Tea Party, the Republicans would hold an emergency session to defund the entire U.C. school system."
Bill: "If I was someone who got upset at everything, I'd be upset about the 'disaster theme song' every news organization has been using.  It's got everything but a f**king gong!"
Miles: "In the video she said she was 'about to, like, reach an epiphany.'  I'm still trying to figure out how someone knows they're about to have an epiphany."
Bill: Maybe her bush was burning.

4. Agenda Item: Bradley Manning

Accused Wikileaks leaker Pfc. Bradley Manning is being held in solitary confinement and has his clothes removed at night, to prevent him from committing suicide.
Bill: "I don't even know how you could kill yourself with pajamas.  I remember my night in Beverly Hills jail – there was nothing to hang from.  On top of that, the room service was terrible.
Adam: "And the valet scratched your car."

5. Agenda Item: Gun Control

Not funny, just true:
Matt: "There have been 2,405 people shot dead since the Gabrielle Giffords shooting."
Brian: "Wait... 2,406."

6. Agenda Item: Al Shamikha: Al Qaeda Women's Magazine

Brian: "Al Qaeda is starting a women's magazine."
Bill: "Come on...."
Brian: "It's true."
Bill: "Don't they know magazines are dead?"

7. Agenda Item: Charlie Sheen on Tour

Charlie Sheen is taking his "act" on the road.
Adam: "He's going to walk out at 8PM and say, 'Duh, Winning!" and the crowd will lose their minds.  Then it will turn into a long, grim march to 9:30.
Brian: "I can't see him buckling down and doing a bunch of rehearsals."
Bill: "Warlocks don't rehearse... trolls rehearse."
Billy: "Maybe this is a topic for the Israeli Ambassador?"