By Bill Maher
A radio interview with Ann Romney in Baltimore, back in April:
INTERVIEWER: Do you have to fight back some criticism, like "My husband isn't stiff, OK?"
ANN ROMNEY: Well, you know, I guess we better unzip him and let the real Mitt Romney out because he is not!
I hope, when someone unzips the real Mitt Romney and lets him out, that I am no longer alive. That said, this stupid story is the closest thing Romney has ever come to a sex scandal. So Larry Flynt wants Mitt to whip out his taxes instead. And he's ready to pay (in the well-worn words of Dr. Evil)... one million dollars. According to CNN:
Flynt is offering the reward to anyone who can dig up new evidence of the GOP candidate's "unreleased tax returns and/or details of his offshore assets, bank accounts, and business partnerships."
Flynt ran an ad in the Washington Post and another in USA Today. I wonder about Larry Flynt's motives. What kind of sicko throws away a million dollars on an election? I also wouldn't be surprised if Larry wasn't trying to distract us from his own scandals. The odds that he's Honey Boo Boo's real father are extremely high. But there are two unpleasant things about this story:
1) Mitt Romney has made us all accept that his taxes are a legitimate secret, like his sex life. Instead of something a voter deserves to know, especially if the candidate's only arguments for his candidacy are a) his saintly honor and b) his ability to make money hand over fucking fist. Mitt Romney: Ultra Job Creator not releasing his taxes is like Ulysses Grant running and refusing to talk about the Civil War.
2) Why doesn't Mitt Romney have a sex scandal? He got married at birth or something, and he's never strayed. Because there's no money in it. And there's the risk that it could bring pleasure to someone. But think about it: There's a very real chance that the next president of the United States is a 65-year-old "bishop" who’s only had sex with one woman.