Lawn Paul

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By Bill Maher

Court documents have revealed what allegedly happened when Rand Paul got tackled and injured by a neighbor in his yard – and it’s an allegory for what’s wrong with America. The two men are red team and blue team. The neighbor is a big liberal, and Rand Paul, of course, is a conservative. And there are reports that the two had “heated discussions” about healthcare. But that’s not what the tackling was about, according to Paul’s neighbor.

The neighbor had his yard professionally tended. He wanted it to be as good and as beautiful as it could be and was willing to pay to make it that way. Just like a liberal. Rand Paul didn’t aspire to a better lawn; he liked his lawn just the way it was and cut it himself. Just like a conservative. The neighbor didn’t like Rand Paul’s grass clippings and lawn debris getting into his yard, so he tried to reason with Paul and plead his case to the homeowners’ association. Just like a liberal. When Rand Paul realized that what he was doing upset his neighbor, he began piling big, unsightly piles of branches and brush right on the edge of their property line because there’s nothing more satisfying than getting under a libtard’s skin. Just like a conservative.

To avoid confrontation, the neighbor began hauling away and burning the big, ugly debris piles himself. Just like a liberal. Offended that a solution was being achieved against his wishes, Paul would replace the debris piles with new ones as soon as the old ones were hauled away. Just like a conservative.

Finally, fed up that Rand Paul seemed to be living to just fuck with and enrage him, the neighbor took a screaming run across the lawn and tackled Rand Paul, breaking six of his ribs. And that’s where the analogy falls apart – with a liberal showing some balls.

Is it time for Democrats to finally take off the gardening gloves and tackle the Trumpublicans?