Republicans Found An Affirmative Action Program They Like

By Bill Maher

Republicans are generally against all forms of affirmative action, but no form angers them more than the “diversity” arguments used for college admissions. Thankfully, Republicans seem to have found a college affirmative action program they like.

According to the Des Moines Register, which somehow still exists, Republicans have sponsored a bill in the Iowa Senate that would force Iowa state universities to institute a hiring freeze “until the number of registered Republicans and Democrats on the university faculty fall within 10 percent of each other.”

Wow. It’s not just affirmative action, it’s a quota system! So get ready for your spring psychology class, kids. It’s called “Homosexual Deviance and the Power of Prayer.” With Professor Wayne Megachurch, who has a PhC from Trump University. That’s, like, one better than a PhD!

Look, I’m all for more ideological diversity on America’s campuses, but there’s another way to get there. And just for fun, I’ll use the exact same argument Republicans use to oppose affirmative action programs: it’s a meritocracy, stupid. If you want more spots on the faculty, produce more qualified applicants, honky.

Of course, Republicans with PhDs are a rare breed – like Democrats with NRA memberships. That’s not The University of Iowa at Bettendorf’s fault. It’s the fault of a party that has dedicated itself to being proudly unscientific since the George W. Bush era. So, if you want to land 40 percent of the spots on the U of I faculty, you have to do it the old fashioned way - write a PhD dissertation no one will care about or ever read, preferably with a colon in the title, like “Affirmative Action in the Era of Trump: A Study in Total Hypocrisy.”