Rise of the Super Confessors

By Bill Maher

No, it’s not the name of the next Star Wars movie. Earlier this month, Pope Francis sent 1,000 handpicked “super confessors” around the globe. Their mission? Find some lapsed Catholics who have got some serious repentin’ to do, and bring them back in the fold with their super confessor powers.  

You see, normally there are some sins that only a Pope can absolve. You’ve got to go right to the top. But! For a limited time only – seriously, this program only lasts a year – the super confessors have been personally deputized by the Pope with his super powers of absolution. The idea is to win back the hearts and minds of the many lapsed Catholics, and also to attract some people around the globe who have some real deal sin on their conscience. It’s sort of like when the Army lowers their standards in wartime. The pews are empty, the Super Confessors have the Glengarry leads, and it’s time to put some asses in the seats with this limited one-time offer of total Pope-style absolution. So, if you think you’re not welcome in church anymore, because you went squirrely and slaughtered your grandparents, call the number on your screen and ask to speak to a Super Confessor today! As much as I like this Pope, it’s always worth reminding ourselves just how nutty his Vatican can be as well.