By Bill Maher
I’ve found the way to get Republicans concerned about global warming.
Vladimir Putin wants to claim The North Pole as Russian territory, as well as over 463,000 square miles of the Arctic Ocean. He even claims to have sent a miniature submarine under the Arctic ice and planted a titanium Russian flag at the North Pole. Legally, I’m pretty sure that’s how it works.
So what’s Russia up to? You see, they’re taking advantage of the UN’s Law of the Sea Treaty, which allows countries to extend their economic zone up to 350 miles from the edge of the continental shelf, as well as this thing called “global warming,” which is melting more and more of the Arctic ice, making more land and sea available for oil, gas, and mineral extraction.
That’s right, Republicans. Because of global warming, the Russians, along with Canada, Denmark, and Norway, are trying to lay claim to the newly accessible parts of the Arctic so they can drill, baby, drill. It’s basically a race to exploit a previously unexploitable part of the earth. And they want to claim it before America does.
Now do you believe in global warming? Because ExxonMobil does. So does Lukoil, Shell, and PetroChina, the Chinese state oil company, And according to Republican Party standard-bearer Donald Trump, the Chinese and the Russians beat us every time. Their leaders are smart. Ours are stupid. Don’t you want to get smart like the Russians and the Chinese? Don’t you want to beat the Chinese every time like Donald Trump does?