Tragedy Response Made Simple

By Bill Maher

So it seems that the man and woman who yelled "This is a revolution!" and then ambushed two police officers eating lunch at a Las Vegas restaurant, shooting them at point-blank range before draping them in the Gadsden "Don't tread on me" flag, fleeing to a nearby Wal-Mart, shooting and killing a third person, and then offing each other as part of a suicide pact, were also part of the crew that arrived to defend Cliven Bundy from having to pay grazing fees. Imagine that.

Now, I'm not going to use these people to suggest that all Tea Party members are dangerous, paranoid racists who don't really love this country at all. That would be cheap. Because it's only mostly accurate. I'm more concerned today for the politicians who have to pretend to care and/or do something about the bi-weekly gun rampages we live with in America.

Nevada Gov. Brian Sandoval had to issue a statement saying he was "devastated" by the murders of the two officers and an innocent bystander, and call it an "act of senseless violence." And then, of course, his "thoughts and prayers go out to the victims and their families." 

I say let's make these types of token responses to gun tragedies easier on the politicians who ignore them. Feigning shock and sadness is not only hard work, it takes up time from the other, more important parts of your day, like giving tax breaks to professional sports franchises.

Here's my idea: when the kids need to save time texting, they abbreviate. "Be right back" becomes "BRB."  "You only live once" is "YOLO," which is also a statement of the obvious masquerading as inspiration. "Rolling on the floor laughing my ass off" became "ROFLMAO." Which is tough to do while typing "ROFLMAO."

I say, let's give politicians this power so they can continue not responding to tragic mass shootings faster and without having to express original thoughts. Like so:

"I come to you today because of an ASV (act of senseless violence). Our TAPs (thoughts and prayers) go out to the VATF (victims and their families). As Governor, the SOC (safety of our citizens) is my NOP (number one priority). I will COTOWO (continue to work) with MEBOP (members of both parties) to MASTNHA (make sure this never happens again.)

Now try it again without the translation: " I come to you today because of an an ASV. Our TAPs go out to the VATF. As Governor, the SOC is my NOP. I will COTOWO with MEBOP to MASTNHA."

There. That's 15 seconds. Tops.