Love’s Fair and Balanced Desire: Unabridged Edition

News Corp (the Fox News people) just bought Harlequin (the paperback romance people). They’ve promised that “the Harlequin name and rich heritage will be preserved independently,” but that’s also what they said about the New York Post. It’s just not how News Corp generally works. But maybe that’s just paranoia. Check out this excerpt from their first new title since the acquisition and judge for yourself:


Love’s Fair and Balanced Desire

It was Rachel Winterhaven’s first day at Metro General For-Profit Hospital. She was a home-schooled virgin brain nurse, but under her icy exterior, there was a passion that burned like an under-protected Libyan embassy. 

“Dammit,” said Dr. Dax Ransom, tearing off his surgical mask. “That’s the third one I’ve lost today! Damn you knockout game! Damn you to hell!”

Dr. Dax Ransom was the CEO of surgery at Metro General. Haughty. Distant. A widower, his wife had died in the War on Christmas. He swore he’d never love again, until he saw Rachel, and his manhood strained at the thin fabric of his khakis, growing ever and ever larger, like the deficit under Obama.

A single bead of sweat lingered in the warm valley between Rachel’s breasts. But just due to normal, hot weather – not significant climate disruption caused by carbon emissions.

“I can tell you’re a conservative gal,” Dax said, “and like the IRS, I would therefore like to subject you to increased scrutiny. But we can never be married.”

“Why, Dax, why?”

“It’s these damn death taxes. Yes, the first five million is free, but after that I’ll clear barely 60% of the rest, and I won’t make you live that way!”

 Dax had been so distant lately. Frustrated by red tape and discouraged by the illegal aliens that cluttered his emergency room.

“Dammit,” said Dax, throwing his rubber gloves on the floor. “That’s the third terrorist anchor baby I’ve delivered today! Damn you, Eric Holder! Damn you to hell!

Now Rachel saw him in a different, harsh and unflattering light… an energy saving florescent. 

And that’s when Hector the Orderly entered the scene. He was unlike any man she’d ever met. He was black, and full of a powerful energy, much like clean coal.

Hector fumbled with the condom’s wrapper until Rachel stopped him. “Don’t bother,” she smiled, parting her legs for him, “My body has a way of shutting that whole thing down.”

Hector buried his face between her legs and she rode his mustache for what seemed like an eternity. “It’s true,” she thought. “Mexicans are willing to do jobs American’s won’t.”

Waves of pleasure rolled over them as they climaxed together, shouting, “Benghazi! Benghazi! Benghazi!”

A shadow appeared in the doorway. It was Hector’s baby mama, LaChauqua, and she was angry. Rachel tried to get away, but LaChauqua was too fast, too furious. “Hector may love you,” she laughed. “But, I’ve got something much more valuable: Food stamps.”

Without Rachel, Dax had thrown himself back into his work. “Dammit,” said Dax, slamming the locker door. “That’s the third case of ultra AIDs I’ve treated today! Damn you, Miley Cyrus! Damn you to hell!”

Rachel stumbled into Dax’s office, hurt and confused – like someone trying to use the Obamacare website. She pleaded with Dax to forgive her. “Take me, back Dax,” she begged. “I don’t know what I was doing, making decisions about my own body with Hector.”

“Oh, Rachel,” Dax sighed, brokenly, “I want to believe you, but I’ve been lied to so many times. Like about that ponzi scheme, Social Security.”

“This isn’t like that,” Rachel swore, insistently. “Take me back, and I’ll treasure you like a basement full of batteries, canned peaches and gold.”

“I have to tell you something,” said Dax. “I’m moving Metro General to Texas.”

“To Texas?”

“Yes. Fewer regulations will allow me to create more surgery jobs. But what really matters is, I want us to get married in a state where marriage is between a man and a woman.”

“Are you proposing, Dax?”

“Yes I am, my love. I want to marry you in Texas. Because I love you but, let’s be honest here, if they open the gay door, even a crack, I’m going to blowing guys like the coin operated vacuum at the car wash.”

“Then yes!” Rachel exclaimed. “Yes!”

“Are you sure?” Dax asked.

“Yes, I’m sure,” said Rachel. “I’m happy with my doctor, and I’m going to keep him.


Watch Bill read select passages from Love’s Fair and Balanced Desire on the May 16 episode of Real Time: