By Bill Maher
Of all the made up religions – which is all of them – Mormonism has to be my favorite – narrowly beating out Scientology and Raelianism for pure ridiculousness. It’s so obviously false I often wonder how anyone was ever taken in by it, never mind 60% of a US state and the entire Romney family, who all seem as well educated as they are freshly scrubbed.
Mormons recently held their semiannual General Conference for the Mormon Church in Salt Lake City. Which means area hotels are still cleaning up the empty bottles, ashes, vomit, condoms, and dead fish. Neil Andersen, an elder in the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles (Collect them all!), defied the trends and reiterated the Mormon church's stance on gay sex and gay marriage: it’s still yucky.
“While many governments and well-meaning individuals have redefined marriage, the Lord has not,” said Neil. Though he did say that Mormons who “struggle with same-sex attraction” are of “special concern.” Which is nice. Also patronizing.
But hey, Neil knows what you need, homos. According to Mormon doctrine/delusion, as a member of the Quorum of the 12 Apostles, Andersen is a living prophet and God speaks through him. Yes, they want you to believe God is currently speaking through that guy over there, and his name is Neil.
Of course, the Mormon Church has been through this kind of social upheaval before. In 1890, when polygamy was making America think the Mormons were a creepy sex cult, the head of the church simply got a revelation from God that polygamy wasn’t kosher anymore, and the Church ended the practice. In 1978, when the Church’s stance on black people – that they were cursed by God and could not serve as priests in the church – was attracting similar scorn, the head of the Church got another “revelation”: “Hey, guess what guys! God told me blacks are okay!” Which I’m sure was good news to all those missionaries trying to sell Mormonism in Namibia.
Now, I love revelations. Especially ones that are self-serving and politically driven. After all, nobody watches the opinion polls like God. So, how long will it be before the Mormon Church’s stance on gay marriage makes it look completely out of touch and once again God decides to whisper in the ear of someone like Neil Anderson? I’m guessing sometime in the next ten years.
Can’t wait. I just wish God would talk to me instead of Neil, that lucky bastard.