By Bill Maher
I'm not a huge fan of food corporations. However, one of the fast food corporations that didn't bother me much was Subway because, while I wouldn't eat much of what they make, they do have some options that are much healthier when compared to your normal fast food chain. You can eat Subway and not feel like you're five minutes away from thinking, "Oh, God. What have I done?"
Well, recently we learned that Subway is going to remove a chemical from their bread called azodicarbonamide. What is azodicarbonamide? It's a "dough improver." It's also found in yoga mats and shoe soles because it increases their elasticity. And that's what I want in my bread - that bendy, yoga mat taste.
Of course, Subway says azodicarbonamide is "an extremely common bread ingredient that is fully approved and recognized as safe by the FDA." And it turns out it is common: it's in grocery store breads, restaurant breads. McDonald's used it. So does Starbucks and Arby's. You know where it's not used? Anywhere in the European Union, where it's illegal. The same as it is in Australia. But hey, have you seen the bread in France? It's disgusting! It obviously needs some "dough improvement."
The point is, maybe the science is there to tell me that azodicarbonamide is okay in small doses. But I don't want any of it. How about that? Think about Jared. He ate that shit every day for years. How do you think he feels? He went in for an enema the other day and soft rubbery foam rolled out.
Why do these companies put this shit in bread? Bread is made from flour, water, salt, and yeast. That's it. It's been working pretty well for thousands of years. There was no culture too stupid to figure out bread. Except us, who look at it and think, "Can we sneak something into this bread to make it cost less and look more breadier, but not tell anyone?"
So back to Gwyneth. Who I understand is the worst person in the entire world. Like Pol Pot with a copper roasting pan. But she's not the problem. All she's doing is telling you that you shouldn't eat shit, and that food is better when it's, you know, food. Does she shove her perfect life in your face too often? I don't know. Maybe she does. So don't hate-read her blog and guess what? It won't be shoved in your face anymore.
But I just can't get worked up about someone who promotes healthy eating, as if she's the one who needs a takedown. The day Gwyneth tells all those moms out there to sneak some azodicarbonamide into their kids bread to make the dough spongier, I'll be with you. Right now, she's just rockin' it gluten-free, and the only azodicarbonamide she runs into is in her yoga mat.
But don't tell her. She'll flip out and write about it on her blog!