Gappy Meals

By Bill Maher

The Monopoly game is back at McDonald’s and my favorite playing piece is the irony. Monopoly, of course, is the celebrated capitalism game where players compete to see who ends up with all the cash and real estate, leaving all the other participants flat broke – just like it works in real-life America!

Here’s how it works at McDonald’s: You sit there on a chair bolted to the floor with your elbows on a sticky table and, while a despondent mother of three mops under your feet for minimum wage, you scrape a sticker off your cup of flavored corn syrup to see if you’ve won. I’m having fun already!

Let’s face it; you’re only there at McDonald’s because you’ve already lost the game of “monopoly” and you can’t afford to eat anywhere else. But, as you push gobs of sodium and fat into the hole you used to smile through, maybe you’ll win one of their exciting Monopoly Game prizes like a million dollars cash, a Cessna private jet trip, a luxury resort Caribbean vacation or free gasoline for a year.

Except you won’t. McDonald’s serves over 25 billion “meals” per year. And that’s just to Chris Christie. As far as that million-dollar prize goes, they will award exactly one. The private jet trip: two winners. The free gas for a year: four winners. You’ll get either nothing or another cup of corn syrup slop to wash down your bitterness.

This is the new American Dream – super-corporations raking in tens of billions for themselves and their wealthy shareholders, while service industry minimum wagers serve other service industry minimum wagers on their day off, watching them pick at a sticker on a paper cup to try and change their all-but-hopeless life circumstances.