Every week, Bill lays down his own laws. Here is the latest set of New Rules from the last episode:
New Rule: If Anthony Weiner can come up with a totally bad-ass name like "Carlos Danger" just to masturbate, how come the best Tom Cruise could do was "Jack Reacher"? The guy in the action movie should be "Carlos Danger," and the guy touching himself should be "Jack Reacher."
New Rule: This one goes out to Huma. When your husband Anthony says, "I feel like a different person," [whispering] it doesn't mean what you think.
New Rule: [slide of photo-bomber behind cubicle wall behind the Weiners at press conference] The cubicle guy photo-bomber at the sexting press conference has to show us his hands.
One sign you need to rethink your public image: when you're in a picture with Anthony Weiner and YOU come off as the creep.
New Rule: Stop scaring the crap out of your kid by handing him to the pope. I know mom and dad are thinking, "His Holiness will bless my child," but the baby is thinking, "Whoa, the last guy in a white coat who grabbed me, slapped me on the a**!"
New Rule: Stop asking if the new royal baby is more like William or more like Kate. He's more like Uncle Harry. [slide of TMZ shot of naked Prince Harry] Naked and unable to stand.
New Rule: Someone has to be brutally honest with the royal family and tell them what everyone is thinking: Buckingham Palace is kind of a sh*thole. [slide of castle] This is a castle. [slide of Buckingham Palace] This is a technical school.
I say this as a friend. There's a reason no one has ever made a Las Vegas hotel that's a replica of Buckingham Palace. Because it looks like a Salt Lake City women's prison.
If you're having a baby and bringing it home to a place that looks more like a hospital, you're doing it wrong.
And finally, New Rule: If Ben Franklin writes something smart, but Sarah Palin tweets it twice and puts it on Facebook, that cancels it out.
It's like if you drop your popsicle and an opossum licks it. And bites it. And rolls in it. Sticks it up its a**. You can rinse it off forever, you're still not going to want to eat it.
All right, now, actually, the quote of Ben Franklin's I'm referring to, isn't very smart, even though it's become kind of an unquestioned conventional wisdom: "The who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety."
Yeah, bullsh*t. What do you think you're doing when you stop your car at a red light, or pay taxes? I'm not free to keep all my money. I have to give some of the money to the government so they can equip an army, pay the police and bribe Afghan warlords.
This is called the social contract. It's why we have things like airport security lines, drunk driving laws and gun control. Okay, two out of three.
Now, Ben Franklin, in his time, could afford to be absolutist about not trading any liberty for safety, because in 1755, the worst weapon an enemy could bring against you was a cannon or a musket. But, now we have undetectable, deadly nerve gas and nukes.
The founders were brilliant, but they weren't fortune tellers. When they wrote the Fourth Amendment, they couldn't foresee email. And when they wrote the Second Amendment, they couldn't foresee Ted Nugent.
You want to see one reason why I am willing to negotiate away some of my freedom for security? [slide of "suitcase nuke"] What you're looking at in this picture is something called the MK-54 suitcase nuke.
And here we see J. Edgar Hoover showing it to two other guys. Who are also J. Edgar Hoover.
The MK-54 is a portable nuclear bomb that weighs just 51 pounds, and we've known how to make it since the 1950s. Which means other people can make one, too. Do I want someone snooping into their email? Yes. Yes, I do.
But, I also want there to be draconian penalties if they snoop for any other reason. Then I can live with my tradeoff. Because, don't get me wrong, I don't like the government photographing my email or the cops tracking my license, or the NSA keeping a record of all those calls I made to Dionne Warwick's Psychic Friends Hotline.
Is it cool they've heard all the phone messages to my [does air quotes] "friends" who bring over the [air quotes] "stuff"? No, it's not.
But, the good news is, there are at least ten bills in the House and Senate right now that would modify or outright repeal the Patriot Act. We're at least now having that debate about our security tradeoffs.
And, for that, I've got to give credit to Mr. Ed Snowden. He's a little kooky, but before he showed up with his nerd glasses and his stripper girlfriend, nobody was talking about the NSA. It was just another government agency nobody paid attention to.
You know, like Congress.