Egypt: The Customer Is Always Right

By Bill Maher

Egypt's pretty old, and after some of the shit Moses put it through, a coup d'etat is nothing (good thing they don’t have nuclear weapons -- suckers). But besides spiking the cost of oil -- even though Egypt hardly sells us any -- the coup does present one serious problem for America: Egypt has to keep buying tanks and fighter jets from General Dynamics or our whole way of life falls apart. 

General Dynamics is bigger than McDonald's, Time Warner or Visa. And Egypt is its bottom bitch. Next to the American taxpayer, of course.

That's why we were still sending Egypt the money to buy arms, even when the Muslim Brotherhood was in charge. Because American "military aid" covers up to 80% of Egyptian weapons procurement. We put the stuff on the truck and someone has to sign for it -- and we don't much care who.

America needs a frenemy in the Middle East with a crackhead-like hankering for the F-16 Fighting Falcon. And that's Egypt.

(Hey, the Egyptian sky god Horus has the head of a falcon! Ain't General Dynamics good to you baby?)

We've been sending them money for arms since 1979. That's reliability a stockholder can count on. And we're due to send them another $1.3 billion to forward to General Dynamics, but unfortunately, Section 508 of the Foreign Assistance Act says:

"...none of the funds appropriated or otherwise made available pursuant to this Act shall be obligated or expended to finance directly any assistance to any country whose duly elected head of government is deposed by a military coup or decree."

This is why President Barack Obama wants the Egyptian Army to give the government to someone, and soon. And why he hasn't said the word "coup." Just in case they don't.

"I now call on the Egyptian military to move quickly and responsibly to return full authority back to a democratically elected civilian government as soon as possible through an inclusive and transparent process, and to avoid any arbitrary arrests of President Morsi and his supporters."

Notice Obama didn't say give it back to Morsi. But give it to someone in a suit without medals on it. And who's not wearing mirrored sunglasses and carrying a riding crop.

When is a coup not a coup? When someone has to pay for all these planes.