Every week, Bill lays down his own laws. Here is the latest set of New Rules from the last episode:
New Rule: [slide of Putin and Obama] If it turns out you track everyone's phone calls, you monitor their email and you have a secret "kill list," when Vladimir Putin talks, you get to make your "been there, done that" face.
New Rule: [slide of two protesters, one with "V is for Vendetta" mask and one with "Scream" mask] Even if I agree with the point you're making, if you put on one of these masks, I'm already writing you off.
Sorry, you're not reminding me of the evil government can do. You're reminding me of the time I did mushrooms and went to Mummenschanz.
New Rule: This weekend, and henceforth, we must officially rename "Father's Day" what every dad in America really thinks every holiday should be: "Saint Blowjob's Day."
Straight or gay, daddy wants a hummer. If you give him a robe, he'll be thinking, ooh, this is what I should wear while you're blowing me. If you give him a fancy coffeemaker, he'll think, great, this will help me stay awake for my blow job!
How do I know your man wants it on that particular day? Because it's a day.
New Rule: If you introduce an amendment requiring immigrants to become proficient in English just months after you deliver the State of the Union in Spanish...[video of Marco Rubio giving response in Spanish]...and after getting elected with campaign ads in Spanish...[Spanish-language Marco Rubio video campaign ad]...while selling your autobiography, Marco Rubio: Un Hijo Americano, in Spanish, then you must tell me the Spanish word for "hypocrite."
New Rule: [slide of Victoria's Secret ad featuring Leonardo DiCaprio] Someone has to tell Leonardo DiCaprio that you can also use the Victoria's Secret catalogue to pick out clothes.
New Rule: Somebody has to break it to CBS that there's already a TV show about people living inside a giant bubble. It's called "Fox & Friends."
And finally, New Rule: As long as our legislators spend their time protecting their jobs instead of doing the people's work, the official seal of Congress must be changed from this--[slide of Congressional seal]--to a picture of this guy. [slide of morbidly obese Mark Rosenthal]
This bundle of energy is Mark Rosenthal, who, for the last 15 years, was a union boss in New York City, a position he earned by eating Jimmy Hoffa.
He lost his job this week after these photos of him sleeping on the job appeared in the papers, including one where he was holding Princess Leia on a leash. [slide of Jabba the Hut and Princess Leia]
Now, I must say, I feel a little bad for this guy because he had to take pain meds that put him out after lunch because of a bad back. And I believe him when he says he has a bad back. Because, as you can see, he's a HUGE FAT F*CK! And that's mostly on him.
But, if we're down on him because he's unconscious on the job, why did we reward it in this guy? [slide of Strom Thurmond] Or this guy? [Robert Byrd] Or this guy? [slide of John Dingell]
That's Michigan's 87-year-old Congressman John Dingell. And last week, he set a new record for the most time in Congress: 57 years. And everyone applauded. Why?! There's a difference between public service and hoarding.
This guy has had 30 terms. He was first elected in 1955, six years before Obama was even born in Kenya!
[slide of Ralph Hall] Congressman Ralph Hall of Texas is 90, and he's running for re-election, which would be cool if he was one of those spry old guys who does the crossword and plays tennis every morning. But, he's not that guy!
He said recently he doesn't believe in climate change, and that--quote--"I'm really more fearful of freezing." Yes, because you're 90!
[slide of Frank Lautenberg] New Jersey's Senator Frank Lautenberg, my first Senate vote, died this month in office at 89. [slide of Cory Booker] And when Cory Booker, the "Superman" mayor of Newark said last year that he was thinking of running for his seat, Lautenberg's top aide called it "disrespectful."
Really? Really? The guy who runs into burning buildings shouldn't take over for the other guy who can't blow on a piece of paper and make it move across the table?
And let me emphasize, this is not about age. This is about congressmen who suck at their jobs because their jobs are never at stake.
There are only three ways a congressman goes out: They die in office, they cash in as a lobbyist, or they mistakenly tweet a picture of their d*ck. Three ways.
The approval rating for Congress is 10%. And yet, in 2012, over 90% won re-election. And that's because we've created a system where it's almost impossible to beat an incumbent. The districts are too gerrymandered. The ads are too expensive.
So, every few years, we're treated to the sight of some "Crypt Keeper" who hasn't shown up at work for years being wheeled out by a staff member so he can raise his skeleton hand to vote "Ay."
A couple of years ago, for the healthcare bill, it was 92-year-old Robert Byrd. In 2002, it was 101-year-old Strom Thurmond, a man who raped the family maid the same year Fitzgerald wrote The Great Gatsby. True. But who was still voting in 2001 on issues like stem cell research, even though he once referred to a microphone as "the machine."
When did we become this "Weekend at Bernie's" government, Where senators are coaxed into key votes by someone whispering in their ear, "Who wants pudding?"
George Washington was the greatest American because he set the precedent of WALKING AWAY! "Two terms, I'm out!" If anyone in our history was indispensable, it was him. And he still said, "No, thanks. From now on, I just want to watch ‘SportsCenter' in my underwear."