New Rules: April 5, 2013

Every week, Bill lays down his own laws. Here is the latest set of New Rules from the last episode:

New Rule: Both sides of the gun control debate have to come together and agree that you can't sell firearms or ammunition to anyone who looks like this. [slide of Adam Lanza] It won't stop every desperate loser with a chip on his shoulder, but it will keep guns out of the hands of Mitch McConnell. [slide of McConnell]

New Rule: Unless I crack open a can of Rockstar Energy Drink and cocaine comes pouring out, it's not what rockstars use for energy. Try Accounts Receivable Energy Drink! [slide shown]

New Rule: The cover of Time magazine shouldn't give me a boner. [slide of Time cover devoted to gay marriage] Come on, guys, print may be dead, but my penis isn't. I saw this at the grocery store and had to cover my crotch with a frozen pizza. Now I feel bad for whoever bought that pizza.

New Rule: [four slides of Kim Jong Un looking at things] North Korea's Kim Jong Un has to tell us what the hell he's always looking at. The caption of these pictures shouldn't be "Dear Leader Threatens War." It's "When in Hell is that Bus Coming?"

New Rule: Before I get my "snack on," Ruffles must explain which of their amped up barbecue potato chips is the most hardcore. [boxing bell rings] In this corner is Ruffles Max! A taste-tacular smokehouse-style flavor-gasm that will hickory-dickory dick-slap you into total submission.

And in the other corner, it's Ruffles Ultimate! And all-in-your-face salt-splosion that will bury itself balls-deep in your taste buds. And rough-ride them straight to New Snack City. Come on, I need to know who's the real deal here, or else I'll just have to buy a can of Pringles. [Ruffles bags explode to reveal Pringles can] "Ultra-Mega Bada** Motherf**ker Take-No-Sh** Sour Cream & Onion." Those are real products.

And, finally, New Rule: Libertarians have to stop ruining libertarianism. [slides of Rand Paul, Paul Ryan, Ron Paul] Or at least do a better job of explaining the difference between today's libertarian and just being a selfish prick.

Now, many years ago on a television network far, far away, I expressed support for libertarianism, because back then it meant that I didn't want big government in my bedroom or my medicine chest, and especially not in the second drawer of the nightstand on the left side of my bed.

And I still believe that. But, somewhere along the way, libertarianism morphed into this creepy obsession with free-market capitalism based on an Ayn Rand novel called Atlas Shrugged, a book that's never been read all the way through by anyone with a girlfriend.

Paul Ryan once said Ayn Rand taught him "what my value systems are." And I believe him, because her book has a strange appeal to people who are kind of smart, but not really.

She wrote things like, "Money is the barometer of society's virtue," and "The question isn't who is going to let me, it's who is going to stop me." Ooh, sounds like something a "Batman" villain says.

Yeah, it's all stuff that seems very deep when you're 19 years old--[to Kopplin]--not you. About how government is a dirty trick played by the weak on the strong. And I can see how, if you're a privileged college kid, you read that and think, "Yeah, that's right! I don't need anything! So, shut up, Dad, and pay my tuition!"

And then one day you graduate and pack up your things and realize that your copy of Atlas Shrugged  belongs in the same milk crate as your beer helmet and the tee-shirt that looks like a tuxedo. And you move on.

Unless you're Paul Ryan or Rand Paul. Now, I know conservatives are saying, "Come on, Bill, you're not really implying that the most influential minds in the Republican Party are intellectually stuck in their teen years?" No, of course not. I don't know where I would get that idea. [slide of Paul Ryan pumping iron]

Which is not to say that there aren't libertarian notions that I applaud, like reinstating the Fourth Amendment and shutting down the American empire. But, to everyone who keeps trying to shame me about abandoning my libertarian moorings, my message is this: I didn't go nuts. This movement did.

Like, when you see a stop light, your reaction should be, "Great, an easy way to insure we don't all crash into each other," not "How dare the government tell me when I can and cannot go!!"

"Seatbelts?! I refuse to live in a nanny state! I'm an individual and I want to soar free as an eagle. Right through the windshield."

Same with meat inspectors. "Who needs them? Pffft! People can sniff their own meat. And if a few die, the word will get around town: don't order the T-bone at the Ponderosa. And then the Ponderosa closes. Problem solved, thanks to the free market."

Today's libertarians don't believe the government should be regulating banks or guns or schools or civil rights, or even helping out after natural disasters. And they're aggressively hostile to environmental protection.

But, I like air. And water. I'm practically addicted.

Libertarians also hate Medicare and Social Security. And there are problems with those programs. But, here's the thing. It beats stepping over lepers and watching human skeletons shit in the river. And I also like not seeing those things! I'm selfish that way!