Every week, Bill lays down his own laws. Here is the latest set of New Rules from the last episode:
New Rule: Before the Wall Street Journal publishes another editorial by "healthcare expert"--Suzanne Somers, claiming Obamacare is a "socialist Ponzi scheme," they have to find one person who actually lost weight using a "ThighMaster." She sells a metal spring for thirty bucks and Obamacare is a scam?
New Rule: Just because you're a city doesn't mean you have to have a film festival. Film festivals exist to show the same four movies every year: a road trip with someone's ashes, lesbians find love, French people cook a duck, and a documentary called 'Return to Poison Dirt High.'
And they don't need a festival. Thanks to Netflix, we could ignore them at home!
New Rule: [slide of Pope Francis with his hand on the head of a little boy] No, Pope Francis! I thought you were different!"
New Rule: The Saudi sheik who says women shouldn't drive because it affects their ovaries need to ride a few hundred laps with Danica Patrick and then tell us how it affects his testicles.
New Rule: Now that Amazon is also delivering groceries to your door, and America never has to get up again--they have to change their name from Amazon Fresh to "Hospice Care."
Seriously, you want to cut healthcare costs? Have people go on Amazon and one-click order this bedpan and then order a case of pureed vegetables, turn on 'Judge Judy,' presto! You've got yourself a nursing home.
And, finally, New Rule: [slide of Ted Cruz with gun, hunting outfit and dead ducks] Someone has to tell me how a guy as useful--useless and hateful as Ted Cruz can perform an act as pointless and cruel as hunting and still look like he's faking it.
It's like your prison cellmate faking an orgasm while he rapes you. If he's not digging this, who is it for?
And, why, Ted, why? You've already proved your total dominion over primitive creatures with brains the size of walnuts. After all, you're the leader of the Tea Party!
Yes, this week, Ted Cruz dressed up as Elmer Fudd for Halloween and made the traditional trip to the Heartland to be photographed serial killing defenseless birds. All to show a certain kind of voter he "gets them."
And I understand that there are actually some Americans who do hunt to feed their families. Harry Reid, for example, was so poor as a child that if he didn't shoot a rabbit that day, truly, his family didn't eat.
And, for years, as we know, John Boehner has lived on nothing but Wild Turkey!
But, only six percent of Americans now hunt. And, when civilized people like Mitt Romney and John Kerry have pretended to, they made fools of themselves. [slides of Romney and Kerry hunting] I had the same reaction to John Kerry in this get-up as I had to Ted Cruz. And that reaction was, "What a dick."
Like many Americans, this picture makes me less likely to vote for you, and more likely to wish your hunting partner was Dick Cheney.
And, by the way, Obama never did this, because he tried bowling once, and he said, "That is enough with the white people sh*t."
"And, to Republicans who, these days, always say they want to reach out to women and Hispanics and young people, hunting...not really the way to do it.
Millennials don't really want to get up at four a.m. to sit and wait for a moose to walk by. If they want to kill something, there's an Xbox right downstairs.
No, if conservatives want to broaden their base, they shouldn't be pandering to hunters. They should be pandering to stoners.
The new American voter isn't some old coot shootin' at some food, it's a young Latina lesbian who smokes a boatload of dope.
If Republicans want to pass the torch to the next generation, they need to "pass the torch to the next generation."
I mean, come on, you guys. You say you're for freedom, and for getting the government off our backs. Why not embrace pot? You could own greed and weed.
Legalizing it speaks to all the most hallowed conservative principles, like individual rights, deregulation, and, of course, taking jobs away from Mexicans.
And, besides, in this age of popping molly and shooting up with weird Russian drugs that make your skin rot off, pot is conservative. To kids, it's something the old folks reminisce about at Thanksgiving.
Two-thirds of Americans under 30 want it to be legal. These are the new voters. And, by the time they're 65, they'll expect weed to be covered in Medicare Part D.
And, like me, they're probably tired of waiting for Democrats to--[air quotes]--"evolve" on this issue. President Obama has been a buzzkill on pot from the get-go, despite his doing a great deal of personal research on the issue when he was young.
Legalizing pot was on the ballot here in California a few years ago, but it lost, mostly because no Democrat would stand up for it.
So, Hillary, consider yourself warned. If you want to protect the Democratic base of young voters, say goodbye to the pantsuit and say welcome back to "stoner Hillary." [slide of Bill and Hillary Clinton as young ‘hippies']