New Rules: August 31, 2012

New Rule: [slide of costumed protestor] If you take your demands to the Republican National Convention dressed as a vagina...don't expect to leave satisfied. Or even recognized. Go to the Democrats. They won't solve your problems either, but at least you'll get lip service.

New Rule: [slide of Queen Elizabeth wearing "hoodie"] While it's nice to see a picture of someone in the Royal Family who is not naked...the Queen of England still should not wear a hoodie. It's unsettling. It's undignified. And if she goes out for Skittles, this jacka** will shoot her! [slide of George Zimmerman]

New Rule: The big banks have to stop figuring out ways for us to hate them more. [slide of Wells Fargo ad] This new Wells Fargo ad asks, "What is Wells Fargo doing to help the local economy? Answer: They've loaned money to small businesses." Which sounds great until you remember, they're a bank. That's what banks do.

It's like Charmin running an ad that says, "We're helping the local community by selling you something to wipe your a** with."

New Rule: [slide of product, "Libido-Max"] Never buy something just because it says, "Satisfaction Guaranteed." For example, these boner pills are guaranteed to work or your money will be cheerfully refunded by the cute girl at the Walgreen's who now knows that your penis doesn't work.

New Rule: Southern Comfort's new "Bold Black Cherry" flavor must be renamed "Uncle Zeb's Accidental Baby-Makin' Juice."

New Rule: Paul Ryan has to show us his birth certificate. Hear me out. He's an Ayn Rand fanatic who lifts weights every day and worships Led Zeppelin. I'm not worried that he was born overseas. I'm worried that he's 17.

And finally, New Rule: Republicans don't have to accept evolution, economics, climatology or human sexuality, but I just watched a week of their national convention, and I need them to admit the historical existence of George W. Bush.

If your party can run the nation for eight years and then have a national convention and not invite Bush, Cheney, Rumsfeld, Colin Powell, Karl Rove or Tom're not a political movement, you're the witness protection program.

In fact, Republicans, next time, instead of holding a convention without your most-recent president, your most-recent vice president, your most-recent vice presidential nominee, and most of the runners-up from your most-recent primary, why not just wave one of those "Men in Black" memory-eraser wands in our face--make us forget everything we know about you.

Now, I'm sure Sarah Palin would have been uncomfortable at the convention. Much of it was held indoors. But...isn't it traditional to invite the last nominee for VP? Even if conceiving her was a mistake, aren't you morally obliged to bring her to term?

Because, if you went by what they said this week, here's how the history of America went down. Okay, first the Founding Fathers -- you know, the original "teabaggers" -- they got the Constitution directly from Jesus. Then the first Republican president, Abraham Lincoln, freed the slaves. And the Republican Party, to this very day, has never stopped fighting for the black man.

Except that Romney and Ryan are now polling at zero. Zero percent among blacks. They couldn't get a black guy to vote for them if they gave him a Lincoln. And Mitt Romney may yet try that.

And then came, of course, Saint Reagan. Who was the innovator of the Republican Party's greatest power, the ability to completely forget.

So, I'm just asking, how can we trust Republicans with the future when, as far as I can tell from Tampa, the world ended the year Reagan left office. Like, in 1988, we just all fell into a deep sleep listening to "Pour Some Sugar on Me" and we woke up on Monday morning, Obama and his Negro army had wrecked the joint.

I mean, come on! George Bush was president just three-and-a-half years ago. They talk about him like he's some vague pop-culture reference from way back like the "Snapple Lady" or that rap duo who wore their pants on backwards. He was president for two terms! It's like holding a "Star Trek" convention and not inviting Shatner.

Because, let's be real. If you're trying to sell what the Republican Party can do for you, it's best not to remind people what its recent f**k-ups actually did TO you. Especially during hurricane season.

The past accomplishments of the team that tanked the economy, legalized torture and made the surplus disappear is not the best advertisement for the future. For the same reason you never hear the words, "From the director of 'Corky Romano.'"