New Rule: Stop digging up new historical evidence that Jesus was married. Look, he never had any money. He used any excuse to hang out with the guys. And when death came, he welcomed it. What more do you need to know?
New Rule: It's time to name that gold, bamboo banquet chair the international symbol of having a shitty time. It could be a charity event, an awards ceremony, a wedding reception. If it involves sitting on those chairs, you had better get high before you leave the house, because you're in for a long evening.
New Rule: Let's let our old mix tapes die. Introducing the new cassette-to-iPod converter. Ohh. Yes, just what I need. A reminder that I once made something called "Heather's top-down driving mix." That included songs by Winger, Spin Doctors and Toad the Wet Sprocket.
I think I'm less ashamed of my bell-bottoms. And I hate to break it to you, but if you've still got tapes, old tapes of your mix tapes, you're not a music fan, you're a hoarder.
New Rule: [slide of "Romney" sign outside house] Someone has to explain to this home owner that there is absolutely no difference between putting this sign on your yard and one that instructs the gardener to pee in the pool.
New Rule: [slide of man sitting on chair being carried by African men holding up a platform] When your country has a history of colonialism, don't do this. [slide of Kate Middleton with topless native women] Although, you have to admit, Kate Middleton is kind of a genius. Who else would have thought to distract the public from her own boobies by making a visit to "booby island."
And finally, New Rule: If you're one of the 5% of American voters who are still undecided on who to vote for, it's okay to admit you just don't really give a sh**.
Seriously, if, at this point, you still can't figure out who you like more, Mitt Romney or Barack Obama, stay home because you probably couldn't find your polling place anyway.
I mean, what more information does someone need to make this choice? Obama has been president for nearly four years, and Mitt Romney has been running for president since 1971, when his space egg incubated and he burst out of an astronaut's chest.
And, they're not really that much alike. [slides of Obama and Romney] If you can't tell this man from this man, you're not a swing voter, you're a lesbian.
I mean, look, it's okay that there's a tiny fraction of uncommitted voters in a few swing states who will decide this election. But, can we please stop treating them like they're somehow more noble and discerning than the rest of us.
For example, you know who is an undecided voter? The "Octomom." Yeah. No, somebody asked her this week, and, well, it turns out she doesn't even know who Mitt Romney is. And that, in a nutshell, is America's celebrated "undecided voter." Put on a pedestal by the media as if they were Hamlet in a think-tank...searching out every last bit of information; high-minded arbiters poring over policy positions and matching them against their own philosophies.
Please, they mostly fall into a category political scientists call "low-information voters." Otherwise known as dipsh**s.
For example, according to a Pew Research study, 40% of Democrats do not know that the Republicans are the conservative party. Let me repeat that. No, I'm not going to repeat that. It's too depressing.
Instead, let's look at someone else who announced this week that they were an undecided voter: Kim Kardashian. Yes, she described herself as a "liberal Republican." Of course, there aren't any of those anymore. But, pieces of knowledge like that don't reach the low-information voter.
But, Donald Trump does. He tweeted, "Hey, Kim Kardashian, I hear you're undecided. I can explain why you should vote for Mitt Romney." Well, this is a microcosm of the whole election. Because the only way Romney can erase Obama's lead is if know-nothings like Donald Trump can convince know-nothings like Kim Kardashian that Republican-style trickle-down economics won't wreck the economy the way it has before.
And he might do it, because Kim Kardashian thinks "trickle-down" means the last shot in your sex tape.
And the worst part of all this is that America's entire electoral process, the debates, the conventions, the ads, the photo-ops with the corndogs...it's all targeted at this tiny segment of the population that's just not that interested. Which would make them, by definition, the least-qualified for this "deciders" role.
When are low-information, wishy-washy people every desirable to talk to? There's a reason why, when you have a problem, you never seek their advice. "Hey, you know who you should talk to about that thing you're going through? Someone who doesn't know anything about it!"
This year at the debates, we should skip that thing where the "undecideds" dial in their reactions to every little moment, and instead hook up the dial to their foreheads to see if there's any measurable brain activity.
Because I don't need to see another focus group with these nincompoops. I've seen enough of them to know why they're called "focus groups." Because they're groups of people who have trouble focusing.
And if I want to see a bunch of ignorant jacka**es bullsh**ting about the election, I'll watch "Fox & Friends."