New Rules: September 14, 2012

New Rule: Mitt Romney must never again make reference to what he might wear or not wear to bed. And Ann Romney must let us know if it's true that when Mitt gets sexually aroused, it sounds like this: [sound effect of modem call connecting]

New Rule: Now that we've passed the 11-year anniversary, we must all learn the final lesson of 9/11 and stop obsessing about 9/11. In 1986, most people had let Vietnam go. In 1952, people weren't constantly referencing Pearl Harbor. And in the years since the Civil War, nobody...[slide of protesters carrying Confederate flags]...oh, never mind.

New Rule: And this one goes out to Chris Brown. If you're known for beating a woman's face to a pulp, probably the best idea for a neck tattoo isn't a woman's face beaten to a pulp. [slide of close-up of Chris Brown neck tattoo as described] I would call it the worst decision ever, if it weren't for Mel Gibson's new neck tattoo of him pushing a Jew down the stairs. [slide of this tattoo]

New Rule: Joe Biden has got to learn to keep his hands off biker women. The last thing we need is another candidate with a pool cue up his a**. [slide of Mitt Romney]

New Rule: Don't smuggle monkeys in your underpants. That's what airport officials in India caught a passenger doing. Now, I, personally, have never smuggled a live monkey in my underpants -- although I've been accused of it many times.

But, know who you are...guys, two things you should know before stuffing a monkey down your pants. One, they've got terrible eyesight. And, two, they eat bananas.

And finally, New Rule: If there's one place "God" should not be, it's on money. Why? Because one is a supreme, all-powerful entity that Americans worship above all else. And the other is God.

Now, with all the religious buttons getting pushed in the Middle East this week, it's easy to overlook the fact that religious button-pushing has been going on right here in America, too. It started at the end of the Democratic Convention when it was discovered the Dems had left the word "God" out of their platform. Perhaps because it's a platform and not a spell.

But, over at the "Republic of Fox," they did what they always do, and pretended Christianity was under attack, to get old people hard.

Paul Ryan said, "The burden on the Democrats is to explain why they did this, these purges of 'God.'" Oh, yes, God has been purged. Nuns fleeing under cover of night, churches in flames, science being taught openly in schools.

And then this week, [slide of Romney with Pat Robertson] Mitt Romney upped the ante, telling a crowd in Virginia, "I will not take 'God' off of our coins." Taking a bold and unwavering stand against something no one has ever asked anyone to do.

Other things that Mitt will not do with currency, no matter how much you threaten or plead, include nailing a silver dollar to his forehead, and shoving a roll of dimes up his a**.

By the way, that's Pat Robertson behind Mitt, because who knows more about using the connection between God and money?

Now, speaking as America's favorite "Celebrity Atheist"--[title caption flashes in lower screen: "Celebrity Atheist"] and here's the thing America is going to be learning as more people turn to atheism, it's not that we're militant; it's that we don't give a sh**.

"God" on money? I don't really care on which of your treasured totems you scroll the name of your myth. Put "Hello Kitty" on the flag! Knock yourself out!

If the fifty-dollar bill says, "Kneel before Allah, white devil," but they still take it down at the dispensary, I'm good.

But, it is kind of funny to put "God" on money. This is the same "God" who sent his son down to beat up the moneylenders? If Jesus got angry and kicked the moneychangers out of the temple, imagine how ape-sh** he would have gone at Bain Capital.

When Michelle Obama said at the convention, "For Barack, success isn't about how much money you make, it's about the difference you make in people's lives," it was kind of a big dog-whistle "f**k you" to Mitt Romney. Because the "God" he worships isn't in the New Testament. It's in the Cayman Islands and Geneva.

But, the problem, of course, is that in many ways, we're all a bit Mitt Romney. And I don't just mean "dorks in mom-jeans who are afraid of black people." I mean, the silliest part about putting "God" on money, is it's redundant. Because our god is money. It's like Victoria's Secret making a push-up bra and embroidering on it the word "tits."

Worshipping money is how we let things like our wars and our prisons and our healthcare turn into for-profit business endeavors. Is the war on drugs ever going to end? Sh**, no. Because it's making billions for the private prison, alcohol and prescription drug industries.

This crowd knows.

This week was the anniversary of 9/11 and the beginning of the war on terror. Which we totally won. But, government will never admit that, because the greedy money-machine known as the military-industrial complex sniffed out a source of cash like a pig on a truffle. And they will never let it go. Homeland Security is a bloated, federal monstrosity that eats our wealth and lives beyond our reproach, and we pay them $75 billion to do it. And we will from now until forever.

Because "free" is only the first part of "freedom." The other part is "dumb."