New Rules: September 7, 2012

New Rule: Instead of backing down, Clint Eastwood must show up all the haters by taking back that chair and making an awesome buddy movie with it. You can call it "Deep Sit." And it will involve a grizzled, old cop and his impulsive, young partner who is both a rookie and also a chair.

They may not like each other, but they're going to have to work together. But, soon, they earn each other's respect and end up infiltrating the drug kingpin's warehouse by posing as a coke dealer and a chair.

And Clint, if you don't think you can make a compelling action flick with a co-star made of wood, well, you haven't seen these guys. [slide of poster for "Expendables 2"]

New Rule: [slide of Julian Castro's daughter] Even people like me hate kids have to admit that that little Castro girl is freaking adorable. It can't be denied. She's like America Ferrera crossed with a baby seal.

After seeing her at the convention, even Sheriff Joe Arpaio was like, "Oh, all right, the Mexicans can stay."

New Rule: [slide of Elizabeth Warren] Elizabeth Warren has to stop dressing like the "before" woman in a beer ad. Granny glasses, check; hair in a bun, got it; now, pop an ice-cold Bud Light, toss the glasses, shake out the hair in slow motion, and hello, Charlotte, are you ready to rock?! [slide of Michelle Obama]

New Rule: Someone needs to explain to the millions of women mooning over the S&M in Fifty Shades of Grey that crotch-whippings and nipple-clamps hurt! I'm sure the books make for fun reading, but this whole sorry phenomenon is going to come to a screeching halt the first time one of you horned-up ladies answers a Craigslist ad and ends up getting peed on.

New Rule: Nobody should make fun of Kim Ramsey, the New Jersey woman who, it was reported this week, is tormented by 100 orgasms a day. A day?! My first reaction was, "Come again?!"

But, honestly, Ms. Ramsey, I'm sure it's hard to have to live a life where even the slightest bit of human contact or stimulation can set you off. But, I want you to know, there is a cure. [slide of Mitt Romney]

And finally, New Rule: If re-elected, President Obama must appoint Bill Clinton to head the EPA, because on Wednesday night, he cleared away an unbelievable amount of toxic bullsh**.

Beginning with knocking down the contention that Democrats are envious of success and sneer at the American Dream of starting out with nothing and making good. No, it's not that liberals envy the rich; they just wish the rich would admit that a lot of them were just lucky.

[slide of large house] This is Paul Ryan's boyhood home.

[slide of mansion] This is Mitt Romney's boyhood home.

[slide of tiny house] This is Obama's boyhood home. One room, one window. Going from that house to the White House, that's starting from nothing and making good.

Now, you can tell that Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan are lucky because when they try to come up with anecdotes about how rough their lives used to be, it's laughable. Like, did you know that when Paul Ryan was a teenager, he worked at -- brace yourselves -- a fast food restaurant? It's true. And he's not even Latino.

Ryan brags about how he never saw himself as stuck in some station in life. Like he's Forrest Gump. Yeah, he had a summer job flipping burgers. But, not because he had to. Because his mommy got tired of him all the time locked in his room masturbating to Atlas Shrugged.

Ryan likes to say, "We promise equal opportunity, not equal outcomes." Yeah, because people like him live in this fantasy world where we all start out with equal opportunity and the cream rises to the top. And by the cream, I mean whoever is fatty and white.

America is not a perfect meritocracy. White men with criminal records get hired more often than black men without them. Poor kids who do well in school are less likely to graduate from college than wealthy kids who do worse. And, if hard work were a guarantee of success, trust me, this nation would be run by a bunch of Mexican guys with leaf-blowers.

So, congratulations, Paul Ryan, blue-eyed grandson of a U.S. 'eternity.' Attorney. And heir to Ryan, Inc. You made it! Against no odds. You somehow came out on top, even though the deck was stacked for you!

And you, Mitt Romney, whose dad was a famous politician and a rich CEO -- and now you're a famous politician and a rich CEO -- what a miraculous journey!

This is why tonight I would like to take some of these Republican success stories and show you what it would have looked like if they'd never been born into such cushy beginnings.

Something I like to call, [theme music] "It's a Significantly Less Wonderful Life."

Let's start with Paul Ryan. Now, I'm not saying he isn't a determined, hard-working guy. How else could he have run a marathon in 20 minutes? I'm just saying, in the world of a "significantly less wonderful life," a working-class Paul Ryan...[slide of young Ryan dissolves to imagined flashback image] fired from his longtime job at McDonald's for picking the free toys out of Happy Meals because Ayn Rand says that's socialism.

And, today, he's a bouncer at Chili's.

Mitt Romney, we all know, was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and a magic diaper on his a**. But what if he hadn't been? [flashback] Ambitious and bright, but without any powerful protectors, young Mitt is born in Mexico where he empties the bucket at the donkey show in Tijuana before embarking on his Mormon missionary work in New Guinea, where he earns the distinction of being the only member of the mission whom the cannibals refuse to eat.

Today, he's a greeter at Staples. 

George W. Bush was a scion of privilege. But, what if he'd been born into a family of ordinary Texans? As the oldest and dumbest of the Bush children he dropped out of high school when it was discovered he couldn't spell his middle initial.

With no college to go to, and no powerful father to pull strings, he was fresh meat to get sent off to Vietnam, where he was nearly killed when he once held a grenade and threw the pin.

But, he survived. And today, he's a drunk getting beaten up by the gang from "Clockwork Orange."

And finally, there's Donald Trump. His dad spotted him a $200 million start in real estate. But, the not-so-lucky Donald Trump--[flashback]--worked for 30 years on the custodial staff at PS 321 in Brooklyn, which he describes as "the hugest, most successful, world-class puke-mopping organization in the world!"

He now works at the kitchen at KFC, telling the chicken parts as they're lowered into the grease: "You're fried!"