Cafeteria Constitutionalists

By Bill Maher

The key to the new conservative "Constitutionalism" is that they love, love, love every single word of the Constitution...except for the parts that they hate. And those parts therefore don't count and have to be changed. The truth is that "Constitutionalist" has become code for "far-right Teabagger" just like "southern preacher" has become code for "closeted homosexual."

As much as these people say they adore the Constitution, they're a little choosey about what they do and don't like about it:

Second Amendment? Love it. Tenth Amendment, which gives un-delegated power to the states? Gotta have it. But the "no establishment of religion" part of the First Amendment? Little wobbly on that one.

The 17th Amendment, allowing for direct election of senators, is on their chopping block. In fact, John Yoo wrote about it a few years ago in the National Review Online, saying that the 17th "undermined federalism." John Yoo, of course, earned his Constitutional stripes by shitting all over the 8th Amendment while making room for torture.

The "no unreasonable searches and seizures" in the Fourth Amendment?  They kind of like it, but only for white people.

The 16th Amendment, which allows income tax, well, obviously that's gotta go as well. What were we thinking? The Founding Fathers obviously wanted us to fund our modern military with rainbows and candy.

The 14th Amendment is right there in the Constitution too, but it allows the evil spawn of Mexicans to be citizens, so it clearly needs some tweaking.

And of course there's all the stuff that's not in the Constitution that needs to be. If only our Founding Fathers had the wisdom to foresee the invention of fire and cloth, we wouldn't need a flag-burning amendment. But we do. And somehow James Madison must have left the "no gay marriage" amendment in his other pants the day he introduced the Bill of Rights, so we'll have to fix that, too.

If they really loved the Constitution so much, wouldn't they have more respect for it than that?

The reality is that Conservatives love their Constitution the exact same way they love their Bible -- as something to thump, not something to read.