New Rule: Stop acting shocked that Prince Harry got naked in Vegas. Please, he's a member of the Royal Family. It's only news if that girl he's pressing against isn't his cousin. Besides, you don't get upset at Prince Harry when he takes his clothes off. You get upset when he puts his clothes on! [slide of Harry wearing Nazi costume]
New Rule: [slide of Paul Ryan with his mother] Don't campaign for vice president of the United States with your mommy. This doesn't make me think, hey, that guy must like Medicare, there's an old lady he's not killing.
It makes me think, oh, look, Madonna has a new backup dancer.
New Rule: NASA must explain the difference between this video of their engineers celebrating the Mars rover touching down, and surveillance footage from a gay bar.
New Rule: Someone has to come and take this thing off my desk. [slide of landline phone console] It's annoying. I'll be talking on my cell phone or Skype-ing or tweeting -- you know, communicating -- and out of the blue, this thing starts ringing. What's that about? I have lots of tasks to complete during the day, but none of them involve putting someone on hold in 1982.
New Rule: [slide of "penis snake"] The Internet must stop showing me this photo of Brazil's recently-discovered "penis snake." I keep thinking I'm getting a tweet from Anthony Weiner.
And, finally, New Rule: No one in America can waste another second thinking about Todd Akin and his theory that you can't get pregnant unless your eggs are asking for it.
Here's the only thing you need to know about Todd Akin and human anatomy: he's an a**hole.
Now...what I want to talk about tonight is how it is not a coincidence that the party of fundamentalism is also the party of fantasy. When I say religion is a mental illness, this is what I mean: if you believe in angels and demons and Jesus riding a dinosaur, it's not that big a leap to believe in tiny ninja warriors that women have in their body to lie in wait for bad people's sperm.
Republicans would like to pretend like Congressman Akin's substitution of superstition for science is a lone problem, but it's not. They're all magical thinkers on nearly every issue.
They don't get their answers on climate change from climatologists. They get them from the Book of Genesis.
Or, take the issue that consumes the right these days: the deficit. They're fervent in their desire to reduce it. But, they want to do so in some magical fashion that doesn't involve raising taxes or cutting spending. When given a choice in polls between these two options, raise taxes/cut spending, a majority of Republicans check "none of the above" as a way to reduce the deficit.
Which is like deciding to pay off your student loans by daydreaming.
Or, remember supply-side economics, the theory that you actually bring in more revenue by bringing in less? Reagan believed it, but at least that was in the eighties when it was new. Thing is, we tried it. And we know it doesn't work. Yet, Paul Ryan, who every shit-for-brains pundit in America keeps telling us is a serious guy, still believes it. All the Republicans do. They all believe in something that both math and history have shown to be pure fantasy.
The symbol for their party shouldn't be an elephant. It should be a unicorn.
So, Paul Ryan is their tough guy on spending, but he doesn't want to touch defense? That's right, a budget hawk who doesn't think there's anything bloated in the defense budget. It's like being a health inspector and finding nothing wrong with the Asian place that has the chicken hanging in the window.
This is how low we have put the bar for political courage, that you can just write "I want a pony" on a binder and call it "The Plan For Restoring Vision For America's Greatness" or some shit, and everyone says you're brave.
The grown-up answer to our massive national problems is: identify them scientifically and prioritize.
The Republican answer is: there isn't a problem, and anyone who tells you different is a liar who hates America.
We don't have to make hard choices. We just have to ignore science and math. That's why God gave us "values."
If "rape babies" throw a monkey wrench into the whole Right to Life pitch, just make believe rape babies don't exist.
If you want to cut down on teen pregnancy, just tell curious kids with raging hormones to practice abstinence. Until they get married, because everyone knows that's when the f**king never stops.
Healthcare? Not a problem if you just keep repeating, "We have the greatest healthcare system in the world," even though the U.N. ranks it 37th.
What's the solution to global warming? We don't need one, because it isn't real! And even if it is, big whoop, just buy an air conditioner, you p**sy!
Republicans also believe that putting the word "clean" next to the word "coal," creates something called "clean coal."
And that if they shred the safety net, all the poor blacks who are resting in it will fall gently to the ground, stand up and get good-paying jobs as Olympic gymnasts.
So, next week in Tampa, the Republicans must admit that the difference between a GOP convention and Comic-Con is the people at Comic-Con have a much firmer grasp of reality.