New Rules

New Rule: The government must run a public service announcement—
[slides of three recent mass killers]—reminding America’s crazy people that sometimes it’s okay to just lose your mind and masturbate in the park.

New Rule: [slide of Mars’ surface] Mars sucks. Let’s face it, it’s Arizona without the old white people getting skin cancer. Though, I will admit that one of life’s great mysteries was solved this week when the Rover panned to the left and found Mitt Romney. [slide moves to include Mitt Romney]

New Rule: Stop implying that this Romney/Ryan “bro-mance” is somehow gay. Pfftt. You act like you’ve never seen an older millionaire take a bright, young lad under his wing, dress in matching outfits and exchange doting looks while teaming up to save the country before. It happens all the time, and there’s nothing gay about it. [slide shown of Batman and Robin in Adam West TV series]

New Rule: [slide of “Pussy Riot” graffiti] I’m still not exactly sure what “Pussy Riot” is, but count me in.

New Rule: Scientists must explain how it’s possible that the tiny island country of Jamaica can, at the same time, possess all the most stoned people in the world and all the fastest people in the world. [slide of Olympic runner]

New Rule: Until every charity in the world has all the money it needs, you cannot pay someone to tattoo your boyfriend’s name on your butthole. [laughter] We’re a jealous, violent, heavily-armed society. The last thing we need is two guys meeting for the first time, and one saying, “Adam Felber…Adam Felber…where have I seen that name before? Of course, ‘Felber.’ It was right on the tip of my tongue!”