New Rules: June 22, 2012

New Rule: [slide of Romney pumping fuel into bus] Here's the deal. You stop trying to convince us you're a regular guy who does regular things just like us regular folks, and we'll pretend you're not pumping diesel fuel into the baggage compartment of that bus.

New Rule: We don't need to see the X-ray every time someone gets something weird lodged in their head. The latest is the boy who accidentally got shot with a fishing spear. I'd say I can't imagine what was going through his mind but I can: a fishing spear.

New Rule: This is to the Michigan man who discovered his ATM was broken and would let him withdraw unlimited amounts of cash, and then proceeded to lose $1.5 million of that cash gambling in casinos: You don't need to get the money you get from a broken ATM to a slot machine. If the ATM gives you an extra $1.5 million, that IS the slot machine!

It's kind of like a vagrant finding a bottomless bottle of Colt .45 and selling it to go by Colt .45.

New Rule: Don't dress up as the pill and follow around Mitt Romney. He has no idea what the pill is. He just thinks you're his spaceship. He's from another planet, Mitt Romney.

New Rule: Hate to break it to you, but you don't have to guard your parking lot with a row of tire-piercing fangs. It's a slab of concrete outside a dental office. No one cares. Do Americans have to be belligerent about everything? Why don't you just hire these guys? [slide of warriors from "Braveheart"]

And finally, New Rule: If a 14-year-old can deliver your message, it's not because he's gifted, it's because, intellectually, you're a child.

This is Caiden Cowger, a 14-year-old conservative who has his own radio show, and who made a splash this month for his ability to sound just like his older rivals on AM radio. Take a look.


CAIDEN COWGER: We've got about 30 -- I'd say 30 teenagers in this county that I'm at...that are homosexuals. And it is sickening. I'm willing to tell you this, guys, President Obama, Vice President Biden, is making kids gay. [back to live]

MAHER: Wow. It's like one of those time-travel movies where Rush Limbaugh goes back in time to when he needed just one Oxycontin to get high.

Oh, I tell you, this kid's got 90% of Rush's venom with only 10% of the biomass.

And I believe he could be president someday. And, judging from his grammer, he could be President Bush.

Oh, I kid the young Republicans. And, you know, Caiden is not the only 'tween right-winger out there. Back in 2009, Jonathan Krohn--[slide shown of Krohn's book, Defining Conservatism]--yes, that's a real book...

I know. It looks like something we made up, but it's not. He published Defining Conservatism: The Principles That Will Bring Our Country Back...and teach it to shave. Here's a little bit of Jonathan speaking to the CPAC Convention:


JONATHAN KROHN: I want you to understand -- I want the American people to understand -- that conservatism is not an ideology of feelings or romanticism, as some people like to say. It is an ideology of protecting the people and the people's rights. [audience and panel in clip applaud/cheer] [back to live]

MAHER: Oh, my God, is there a charity or something I can give to? "Wedgies Without Borders"? I mean...I'm not trying to slam these kids, because, look, being an a**hole is totally understandable when you're 14. You're too young for sex and too old to carry your blankie everywhere. It's a very stressful time.

But, my point is to Republican adults. And it is this. When 14-year-old boys sound exactly like you do, and can produce radio shows and books and speeches that sound exactly like yours, maybe you should rethink the sh** that's coming out of your mouth.

Remember the Republican debates we had this year? The applauded for the idea of letting a sick man without insurance die. Herman Cain got cheers for saying he's electrify the border fence. They booed a gay man serving his country in the military. No wonder 14-year-old boys can do your act. You act exactly like 14-year-old boys.

There's no ideology here. It's just about being a d**k.

Like last week when House Republicans voted to keep using Styrofoam in the cafeteria. Now, most people avoid Styrofoam when they can because not only is it non-biodegradable, but it also poisons the food you put in it. Or, as Republicans call it, a "win-win."

But, honestly, Democrats were just trying to set a good environmental example by trading Styrofoam for a risky and untested, new technology called "cardboard." I know, needs more study.

But, Republicans blocked it by a vote of 178-to-f**k you.

"Fuck you. You want cups that don't leach chemicals into your coffee? Na-na-na, Poopyface! You can't tell me what to do!" "Take that, 'Knowing Things'!"

You'll notice that the left doesn't have any teen prodigies. You're not going to find a 14-year-old who can do Rachel's show. But, to do Hannity or Rush, it's a very simple procedure.

Step One: Be a giant d**k. Step Two: There is no Step Two.