Drill Baby, Drill

By Miles Leicher

It’s time for President Obama to show Republicans what “spiking a football” looks like. It’s been one year since SEAL Team 6 put a bullet in Osama bin Laden’s eye, after which President Obama defended his decision to not release the photos of bin Laden’s corpse, saying, “we don’t need to spike the football.” Which conservatives apparently took to mean, “We’ll never speak of this day again.”

So when the President recently pointed out that the mission he ordered was one that Mitt Romney likely would not have undertaken, Republicans were all, “Oooh, he just spiked the shit out of that football!” Or, as John McCain put it, “he is doing a shameless end-zone dance to help himself get re-elected.” Grandpa, please. As if the thought of sending a SEAL team in the dead of night to kill the world’s most wanted terrorist doesn’t give you a raging phantom boner. But, really, President Obama hasn’t even come close to excessively celebrating this issue. But he should. Which is why we think it’s high time he threw a good ol’ fashioned military parade.

We're talking boots on the ground, tanks on the tarmac, a bunch of those trucks with the big pointy missiles...the whole kit and caboodle. And sure, it’s gonna feel a little North Korean. But Kim Jong Un’s shit is fake. And the only thing worse than that bankrupt country spending all their money on dummy missiles is our bankrupt country spending all of our China’s money on real missiles that we a) don’t use and b) never get to see. So who’s the real dummy?

Come on, let’s see what 43 percent of the world’s military spending buys us.

Just picture it…Barack Obama standing on a viewing platform as every piece of equipment in our arsenal rolls down Pennsylvania Avenue. It would go on for months! We might even catch a glimpse of the “alternative engine” for the F-35 fighter jet that cost taxpayers $3 billion to design before the Pentagon canceled it, or the F-22 Raptor, which cost $79 billion and has yet to be used in a single combat mission. Our money would’ve been better-spent making actual raptors. Think about it, DARPA.

And, best of all, this parade would create jobs, including hundreds of pooper-scoopers. Not for the horses – for Rush Limbaugh.