New Rules: October 5, 2012

New Rule: When we can't tell you from the wax statue of you at Madame Tussaud's , stop, John. I'm just saying something is wrong when the least-creepy thing about you is that you're a Scientologist. That's the real picture.

New Rule: Before beginning any scientific study, you must first ask, "Does anyone give a shit about what I'm studying?" Like a recent study revealed that people who decorate their bedrooms purple have the most active sex lives. Yes, because only three types of men have purple bedrooms: pimps, Herman Cain and the Minnesota Vikings.

New Rule, and this one is for Scott Brown: Repeatedly referring to your debate opponent as "Professor" is not a devastating zinger when she's actually a professor! It's like if Elizabeth Warren called you a "failed male model" because there's a picture of you hiding your entire penis behind your wrist. [slide of magazine photo spread of Scott Brown nude]

New Rule: And I don't want to sound like a Republican, but America has too much regulation! This week, we learned that the Women's Tennis Association wants to limit how loud players can grunt during matches. Hello, that's why men watch women's tennis! So we can close our eyes and imagine we're the reason Maria Sharapova is doing this. [sound montage of Sharapova's court scream/grunts]

New Rule: If you're sticking a vodka-filled rubber hose in your ass as a way to get drunker, you've already had enough to drink. Yes, yes, it's true. In order to get drunk faster, college students have been engaging in a practice called "Butt chugging." Where your buddy gets up on a step stool with a bottle of Seagram's and a funnel...I say, with friends like these, who needs enemas?

And finally, New Rule: Since President Obama seems to be having so much trouble defending his record on the economy, the next debate must be held in a mall. Any mall. It doesn't matter. They're all packed. There's one not 100 yards from this studio, with dancing waters and a choo-choo train, and a shirtless, gay kid out in front of Abercrombie & Fitch.

The parking garage is always full. The Cheesecake Factory is working overtime. And Lady Gaga's new perfume, with its delightful scent of blood and semen is flying off the shelves at Nordstrom's.

What I'm saying is, I know it's campaign season, but can we all stop acting like the American economy is in complete shambles, where no one has a job or a place to live, and we're all doing our laundry in the river?

Thank you. I mean, folks, I travel this country constantly, all four corners of it. And everywhere I go, I'm always standing in line for 20 minutes to buy hair gel or batteries or nipple-moisturizer.

Traffic is a b**ch everywhere. Yes, there are people sleeping on the sidewalk. But, that's to buy an iPhone just like the one they already have!

It just doesn't feel like Obama has ruined America.

Republicans, you know, they used to talk a lot about this thing called the stock market, and how it helped not just the rich, but middle class folks whose pensions and 401k's depended on it. Well, now they never seem to mention the stock market. Perhaps because under President "Blackenstein," the Dow has doubled.

Or, as Republicans call it, "devastating economic news."

Now...there certainly still is poverty in our country, but it's obviously among the under-class that you don't see. The very people that today's Republicans could give a sh** about! So, I don't understand why they're all so upset about the economy.

Except, of course, it's their big issue. So, they have to pretend that America is a rotting compost heap where people are eating cat food and wiping their a** with the Pennysaver.

And, weirdly, Obama kind of has to pretend that, too, because if he doesn't, then he's "out of touch." So, we all wind up living with this fictional picture of America that actually would be more appropriate for the year before Obama took office.

Remember 2008? Yeah, I do. That's when Lehman Brothers collapsed and the markets froze, and they were measuring GM for a pumpkin lot.

And when you opened your bank statement, you saw the drowned Japanese girl from "The Ring," and then you died.

And, yes, I am saying we can keep blaming Bush for that. It's the same for blaming rats for the Black Plague. Just because you're sick of hearing historians say it doesn't mean it stopped being true.

George Bush left a flaming pile of dog sh** on the White House steps...and now it's gone, and Mitt Romney has a hell of a nerve running on the idea that "I'm going to fix the economy by restoring the policies of the party that destroyed it."

Twelve million jobs, that's what Mitt Romney promises. Twelve million, a number that's just...[mimes painfully pulling the number from deep within his a**]...way up there...just...oh, there it is. Wow, that was...there it is: 12 million! Way up there! Ooh, I feel better.

You don't like the way the stewardess landed the plane after werewolves ate the flight crew? Stop electing werewolves.