New Rule: The next guy who b**ches to me that gas in Lubbock is a buck cheaper than it is in L.A. has to move to Lubbock. Here's L.A. [slide of bikini-clad beachgoers] Here's Lubbock. [slide of desolate ghost town] I'm sorry, that's not a fair picture of Lubbock. Last week, when they took it, it was raining!
New Rule: With a heartfelt "feel better" to Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber, now that we know throwing up onstage makes popular celebrities even more popular, President Obama must try it. [mock slide of Obama puking at debate]
New Rule: If I'm waiting for your parking space and you hop in your car and proceed to start texting, I get to ram you.
New Rule: Magician David Blaine, whose feats include spending 63 hours encased in ice and 35 hours on top of a tower, and 72 hours surrounded by electrical current, must admit that his main talent is pretty much standing around. And his next stunt must be titled, "In line for an iPhone."
New Rule: If you drink bacon-flavored vodka out of meat shot glasses with cheese swizzle sticks, you don't have to say the Pledge of Allegiance. You're already as American as you could possibly get.
Also, the proper toast when you're drinking bacon booze out of a meat glass isn't "Down the hatch." It's "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo."
And finally, New Rule: I don't expect the far-right Christian group Focus on the Family to agree with me on everything. Or even anything. But, they do have to answer one question: if you're doing God's work and God is perfect, how come you're always wrong?
Is the problem that you can't follow instructions, or is Jesus just d**king you around?
Now, I bring this up because in 2008, Focus on the Family tried to frighten their vast mailing list of snake-handlers and early-onset dementia patients by sending out a letter with a set of predictions about what our great nation would look like if we elected that evil "Count Chocula" as our president.
And of the 34 predictions they made, they got right exactly none. 0-for-34. So, I'm just saying they claim to work for God, but for some reason, they're always wrong. And it's always a disaster. It's like if every time you tried to put together some bunk beds from Ikea, you died and woke up in hell bl**ing a guy named Sven.
So, if I may, let me relay some of the predictions Focus on the Family about what would happen if Obama became president:
The Pledge of Allegiance gone.
The Boy Scouts of America gone.
Private guns seized.
Abortion, free on demand.
And worst of all, pornography is available at gas stations. Yes, yes, t*tty magazines right there at the Arco.
They almost got one right when they predicted the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell," but then they went on to say it would lead to turning the Navy into a Fire Island booze-cruise sponsored by lube.
Oh, and I almost forgot: America has single-payer healthcare. That's the funniest one of all.
Now, look, I know who Focus on the Family is. They're an anti-gay lobbying group disguised as a church. Basically, the "God Hates F*gs" guys crossed with Bain Capital, so I'm not surprised they'd be trying to scare rubes into giving them money. That's what grifters do.
But, 0-for-34? "Star Trek" didn't get much right about the future, but a few things: flip-phones, Bluetooth, women with green skin being hot. Come on.
But, look, now that Obama's first term is almost over, and America has not turned into one big gay circle-j*rk you would think they would apologize. "Sorry, Obama, we confused you with RuPaul."
But, no. No, there are no apologies on today's far right. Like last year, Trump claimed his private-eyes in Hawaii were finding "amazing things" about Obama's birth certificate. Even though the only amazing thing they found was how easy it is to con Donald Trump into paying for your vacation.
But, he was never forced to take a public walk of shame. He just got to pass the baton on to the next liar. Mitt Romney.
Mitt Romney said in 2007, it wasn't worth going into Pakistan to get Bin Laden. And in 2008, he predicted that if Detroit got their bailout - quote - "you can kiss the American automotive industry goodbye." Is there no penalty anymore for just being WRONG? WRONG!!
Forget ideology. You thought something in the future would go a certain way. Great stakes were riding on whether you got it right. And you didn't.
All the Republicans in '93 said Clinton's raising taxes would destroy the economy. And it did the opposite.
In 2003, George Bush was certain Iraq had weapons of mass destruction.
In 1964, Ronald Reagan said Medicare would destroy our freedom.
As Joe Biden says, "Folks, use your common sense."