Mitt Point

by Miles Leicher

The preliminary results are in – and it looks like Mitt Romney came out at the top of the pack from last night’s Republican debate. Which, let’s be honest, is like being the least douchey douche in a bag of douches. Sorry, I can’t think of a nicer way to put that.

He was helped, no doubt, by the preparation of his “59-point jobs plan” (pictured). Because who has time for 60-points?

(Very Pointy. Do Not Embrace.)

The basis of the plan consists of many of the same tried-and-not-true Republican ideas as always: reducing spending, cutting taxes, slashing regulations and crapping on unions. And when they pitch these plans, it always feels like we’re listening to a child try to convince us to eat the mud pie he made in the yard. “But it’s got dirt and sticks and gravel…just try it!” We tried it. It tasted like mud. And then a few years later we tried it again. Still mud. And now it’s time to tell the kid to stop playing with f**king dirt and go to school.