Perry Rankle

By Miles Leicher

As Rebecca Black used to say, "It's Friday," which means it's time to get
down on some 'Real Time with Bill Maher!' Over the last couple of days the
production has kicked into high gear, as we get set for the show's first live-
action stunt in recent memory. All right, "stunt" may be a bit of an oversell,
but it is fair to say that it'll be lively, cathartic and, most importantly, laugh-
your-balls-off funny. It does take a lot of preparation, though, which is why
I think next time we ought to just show Rick Perry his ass and a hole in the
ground, then show him trying to figure out which is which.

Sadly, Perry has already made clear his inability to discern between
something that serves a necessary function and something dangerous that
should be avoided. He has been out on the campaign trail all week
proclaiming that, if elected, "I will go to that Oval Office every morning and
try to make Washington as inconsequential as I can in your lives." Because
that's everyone's chief complaint about Washington: it's working too well
and making too much of a difference. Come on, Rick;  "You won't even
notice me" isn't something we want to hear from our president - it's
something we want to hear from our housekeeper. 

The irony is, when government programs are properly funded and
implemented they tend to feel inconsequential. Only once people like Rick
Perry try to "fix" things (usually by taking money from government and
giving it to wealthy individuals and corporations) do the negative
consequences follow. Before long, roads aren't being paved, students aren't
getting loans, teachers are being laid off, and the lady at the DMV is
scowling at you for a reason.

Government regulations can be cumbersome to business, but what happened
when we fought off federal oversight on Wall Street, as Republicans did
when they repealed Glass-Steagall? And what will happen if we gut the EPA
and the Clean Air and Clean Water acts, as Republicans are currently trying
to do? Well for one thing, don't think of it as pollution - it's "flavored air."
And remember: Water is good for you, which is why it tastes like Band-
Aids!

So before Perry goes off and gets all inconsequential on Washington, he
might want to look back on how that's working out for the Great State of
Texas, which has one of the lowest education spending rates in the nation,
the most adults without health insurance in the country, and a half-funded
wildfire protection plan - for a state that happens to be completely
engulfed in flames. If there's one thing that Perry's prayer rally at Reliant
Stadium made clear, it's that it's raining "meh."