Meet Chirpy the Cricket

Interview conducted by Miles Leicher

It’s a well-known fact that every office should have a mascot. Okay, maybe it’s neither well-known, nor a fact, but I’m putting it out there. Though, I’ll admit that I’m a little biased because the ‘Real Time’ office has the best mascot known to man. His name is Chirpy. And he’s a cricket. 

Hi Chirpy, thanks so much for meeting with me today.

No worries. Sorry if I’m a bit groggy.

Late night?

You know it.

You’re a bit of a night owl, aren’t you?

More of a cricket, really.

So that’s how it’s gonna be, eh? How’d you find yourself working at ‘Real Time’?

Well, I’ve always been interested in the entertainment business. My father was a singer, as was his father before him, so I guess it was only natural that I’d wind up in Hollywood someday. Plus, it helps that [executive assistant] Ashley Taylor usually leaves the front door open.

That’s probably how we got fruit flies, too.

Yeah, but those guys are all right once you get to know them.

Is it tough being in an industry dominated by humans?

I’m not going to lie – it’s pretty hard sometimes. Traditionally, comedy and crickets don’t go hand-in-hand, but I’m hoping to change that.

Run me through your typical day.

Well, it’s pretty routine. As you know, I live under the refrigerator, so the commute couldn’t be easier. I clock in around 6:30 pm, get warmed up, run through my scales. I hate working on an empty stomach, though, so I’ll usually see if there are any leftovers hanging around in the kitchen.

Photo of Chirpy (circled)

You can open the fridge?!

Don’t have to. There’s usually some smoothie juice splattered on the cabinets. You know, because Natalie opens up the blender while it’s still mixing. I mean, jackpot! Some people complain, but not me.

After filling up on that, I just bust out my stridulatory organ and jam the night away. The ladies love it.  

No doubt. What’s your take on the Republican field?

Overall, I’m fairly underwhelmed. I’m the type of cricket who likes boldness and these guys are all too afraid of their base to say anything that’ll mix things up. I’m all about going against the grain. That’s why I liked Trump. Well, that, and because it seemed like it’d be fun to live in his hair.

What about Sarah Palin? Think she’ll jump into the race?

Oh, jeez, who cares? I do wish she’d just shut her yapper, though. She’s just so…shrill. And that’s coming from a cricket.

Point taken. What’s your favorite ‘Real Time’ memory?

Oh, that’s easy. Sometimes, after the show, a couple of the female staffers go out onto the roof of the studio and have a “Diva-off.”

Please, elaborate…

Basically, they just see who can make the most diva-like sounds on a single breath of air. Think Celine Dion, but without any idea of what they’re doing. It’s funny and sad all at the same time. I love it.

Wow. More like Celine Di-off!

*chirp* *chirp*

You’re an asshole sometimes, you know that?

What can I say? I’m cold-blooded.