What An Asp

by Miles Leicher

You're probably aware of the expression, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket."  Well good for you, have a cookie.  Here at Real Time, we don't believe in expressions, which is why we went ahead and booked five snake experts as our guests for tonight's show.  Because there was no way that the Bronx Zoo was going to find that missing cobra by Friday.  But that sucker turned up all right – right under Donald Trump's real birth certificate.

Needless to say, the fact that we're no longer discussing that on the show tonight is probably for the best – because I'm not sure how much Senator Bernie Sanders actually knows about snakes.

For one thing, I doubt he's aware that snakes are huge attention whores.  The runaway Bronx cobra stole headlines for a whole week, though it pales in comparison the last scaly creature to escape from a reptile house: Newt Gingrich*.

This former public serpent, excuse me, servant, has been slithering around the country, hinting at his intention to run for president in 2012 and warming his blood in the glow of television lights.  Politico reported on a recent speech Gingrich gave last weekend at Cornerstone Church in Texas, where he said:

"I have two grandchildren... I am convinced that if we do not decisively win the struggle over the nature of America, by the time they're my age they will be in a secular atheist country, potentially one dominated by radical Islamists and with no understanding of what it once meant to be an American."

Ah, the "Goldilocks Rule" of religion.  Not too much (radical Islam), not too little (atheism), but juuuuuuust right.  It would appear that the nature of Newt's America is such that our blinding love of Christianity allows us to combine all of the things we don't like into a logically impossible ball of fear.  How convenient.

I hate to say it, but these grandchildren might be better off growing up without understanding what it means to be an American, at least by Grandpa Newt's definition.  Namely, that sometimes, if you're really, really passionate about your country (like grandpa is), you might be driven to cheat on your wife (like grandpa did) and then make up some bulls**t excuse for it (like grandpa's still doing).  And that's not going to go over well in the future, because if there’s one thing that secular-atheist-radical Islamists hate, it's infidelities.

*Newts are amphibians – not reptiles – but they often share zoo facilities, as well as a tendency to repulse women.