by Miles Leicher
Those of you who follow the goings-on in Cape Canaveral, FL, know that, on Saturday, the Air Force launched a secretive space plane into orbit. Few people know what, exactly, is onboard the X-37B orbital test vehicle but, if my sources are correct, it's Charlie Sheen. And he's headed back to Mars, where, as we all know, he is considered a rock star.
Personally, I think Charlie did pretty well during his time on Earth. It's not easy to go to a new place, far away from home, where people don't quite understand your actions, or, for that matter, half the things you’re saying. Just ask Russell Brand.
My point is that Earth is vastly different from Mars in ways that Charlie Sheen might not have realized. For example, we have a much different definition of certain words, such as "goddess."
Physiologically, Earthlings react disparately to activities like "banging seven-gram rocks" of cocaine; usually, we keel over and die. We also don't have "tiger blood" coursing through our veins that allows us to bone skanks two at a time. One notable exception: Tiger Woods.
Finally, we approach the concept of "winning" differently. Charlie Sheen was paid $1.8 million per week to act like an irresponsible womanizer with a cadre of people who clean up after him. He also had a TV show. On Earth, that's considered winning. On Mars, however, it is frowned upon. Instead, citizens are encouraged to give batshit crazy, rambling interviews to anyone who will listen – and occasionally phone in a death threat to one's ex.
As for the money? That's not important to Martians, for they trade in the commodity of the future: Twitter followers. And in that, Charlie Sheen is certainly rich. Safe travels, dear Warlock. You will be missed...but, as Bill Maher mentioned on Friday, your TV show won't.